Madwoman Out of the Attic

Life as I Know It

2011-03-15T21:36:00.000-07:00

A is 20 months old now and speaking in sentences (of sorts). My favorite A words at the moment? "Fruck" for truck. "Frackers" for crackers. "Frink" for drink. And of course her heart-meltingly sweet "OK" whenever she's been viciously fighting her diaper change, and I finally convince/bribe/beg her to lie still.

She's starting to manifest jealousy when I talk to other people. Like today when I was at the park and was talking briefly to another woman, she started yelling at me, "Talk me! Talk me!" Too cute.

I made some exceedingly ugly chocolate chip cookies yesterday. Misshapen, lumpy, specks of batter randomly dotting the cookie sheet in between the cookies. Mike commented on how ugly they were, particularly in comparison to the neat cookies of his childhood, but how good they tasted. Maybe this is a subconscious metaphor for me as his spouse? Unorganized, chaotic, kind of a mess in various ways, but interesting and tasty? I can only hope...

The Mundane Details of my Life

2010-11-10T21:53:00.000-08:00

Ok people, stop subscribing to this blog. After a year long hiatus, I'm back and newly determined to post once in a while. But it will probably just be the mundane, the everyday, the boring. I'm just warning you. Have very low expectations.

The highlights of my last two weeks:

- baby is consistently calling me 'daddy'

- E has peed in his bed two nights in a row

- Mike and I both have had the stomach flu. At first I attributed my vomiting to our church's chili cookoff, but now I'm thinking that was an unfair assumption, given Mike's later problems.

- Evan on his way to a Pump it Up b-day party announced, "I've had a vision! It's a miracle, Mommy! I've seen Pump it Up, and it's blue!" (he was right - the place was blue)

-reading Widtsoe and Roberts. I'm sorry, but I can't take a man seriously if he was opposed to suffrage. I mean seriously. Opposed to suffrage? In the early 20th century? Come on! Even the vast majority of his religious cohorts thought suffrage was a good idea. Outrageous.

-baby has another ear infection -- this has to be number 7 or 8. Found this out after spending 2 1/2 unpleasant hours at an urgent care center on Sunday morning.

-living in fear about the upcoming papers I have due. How I will find the time to write these, I have no idea. Many, many babysitters, I'm thinking.

E tales

2009-08-29T10:31:00.000-07:00

E is doing better with A than I expected. He whines a bit when I nurse her and sometimes claims, "I have to nurse myself!" - meaning he wants me to get up from the glider and let him sit there. But no physical violence yet.

His most common refrain regarding the baby is "I don't like the way she's looking at me." Strange since the baby's eyes are usually closed when he says that.

Mike and I have been dividing and conquering when it comes to child care. I usually have the baby, and Mike often takes Evan. One new development in E's play routine is pushing his cars along this road mat that we bought. On it there's a fast food joint, at which E often orders 'snaucy barrages.' Apparently they are made from shampoo and cost 30 cents each.

Mike is also trying to start a routine where he does a page of a preschool workbook a day. A few days ago Mike was trying to get E to color the apples with the letter d in them - a difficult task with E constantly getting off his chair and running away. When Mike finally got him to finish, his commentary to me was, "I know he's young, but a scholar he AIN'T." So true. His preschool teacher agrees. She told me he was 'resistant to learning.'

baby's almost here

2009-07-17T21:31:00.000-07:00

I'm dilated to a 4.5 (at least) and the doctor said on Thursday that she doesn't know how the baby is still in there. Although my due date isn't until the 27th, I think I'll go into labor soon, but maybe that's just wishful thinking - after all, E was a week overdue.

Mike is convinced the baby's coming any hour now. He was reluctant to take E to L.A. today to play with his cousins. I, however, was encouraging him to go.

Me: Mike, I feel great. Never better. I'm sure I'll be fine. You go take E to L.A.

Mike: You're already a 4.5. You could go really fast. I might miss the birth if you go into labor and I'm in L.A.

Me: I am willing to risk you missing the birth of our child for a free 6 hours. Please, please take him away.

Turns out the cousins got into an accident on the way to L.A., so Mike didn't end up going. But I still got my free afternoon and evening- Mike took E over so I could get stuff done. I'm in an organizing craze right now. Nesting, Mike calls it.

Obnoxious Political Forwards on Church Lists

2009-07-14T21:22:00.001-07:00

Tonight I received a political forward on a ward playgroup list. It was about contacting our senators to complain about Obama's health care reform package since it would cover reproductive health, including abortions.

Needless to say, I was irritated. After the hell we all went through with Prop 8, do we really need more politics infesting our Church lives and email lists? Did Prop 8 throw open the door so that people feel free to politick in Church forums? And above all, where is the sensitivity to the possibility that there are thoughtful, responsible people on the list who come down on different sides of the issue?

So what is a compassionate but firm response to this situation?

-A reply to the whole list asking that political forwards not be sent? Tempting, because it might discourage others who are inspired by this new use of the playgroup list to send out their own political forwards. But I don't want to be cruel and publicly embarrass the sender.

- A private email explaining that the recipients of emails like this are bound to feel differently about the issue, and that it's not a proper use of the list?

-An email to our RS president asking that she crack down on improper uses of interest group email lists?

I decided to go with the second option. Below is what I replied. (I actually was trying to be nice, while clearly stating my concerns. Perhaps the only place I went overboard are with the value laden words 'invasive' and 'upsetting' - but, well, I did find it invasive and upsetting.)

Any suggestions about kind but firm ways to respond the next time this happens?

Dear XXXXX,

I understand that you are probably assuming that all the people on this list are sympathetic to your political beliefs. Please do be aware, however, that there are a number of us who have great hopes for health care reform in this country, as well as a healthy respect for the agency of others in choices that involve their health and their bodies.

Please, please do not send any more political emails. I find it invasive and upsetting when a list that should be about moms getting together is turned into site for politicking.

Respectfully,

Caroline

_______________________

(*note* - I don't even know if the sender is a member of our congregation, seeing as I don't recognize the name.)

Mike Gets Tenure!

2009-06-25T21:13:00.000-07:00

Great news. Finally, finally, we hear that Mike has received tenure. We're now in Irvine, in this house, for the rest of our lives (probably). We're dang lucky. Way to go, Mike!

To celebrate, we're watching Burn Notice (Mike's favorite show) and eating homemade salsa.

Mike was also wanting to make guac - here's a condensed version of the conversation we had when I got back from the store. I'm not capturing the humor here, but it was actually pretty funny.

Mike (disappointed): Umm, Care, you really don't know how to pick avocados, do you?

Caroline: Why, are they bad?

Mike: Well, they need to be riper and softer and the skin looks a little different.

Caroline: Oh, sorry. I don't know what I'm doing since I don't eat guac.

(A few minutes later)

Mike: Oh, I found the avocados you bought. Great!

Caroline (laughing): Mike did you think the mangoes on the counter were unripe avocados?

Mike: No, but I thought that you thought that the mangoes were avocados, and I didn't want to make you feel stupid, so I didn't say anything.

Mike's a sweetheart for trying to protect me from my own (supposed) ignorance. :)

Adventures in Potty Training

2009-05-18T22:21:00.000-07:00

Some highlights of the last five days:

E doing pretty well the first day. Accidents half the time, successes half the time.
Things beginning to unravel on day two.
A hellacious third day, with E constantly lying and saying "no, I don't have to pee" and then peeing on the floor five minutes later.
A partially hellacious fourth day, with Mike and me terrified of E peeing all over the church. Mike has an intensely nervous experience with E in the foyer during Sacrament meeting, seeing as he had recently drunk a juice box and hadn't peed in 2 hours. I take the first hour of nursery (E has accident) and Mike takes the second hour, in which E tackles six or seven other kids.
A fantastic fifth day! Only one accident. Amazing. E turns out to be highly motivated by candy.

Life Update

2009-04-08T22:59:00.000-07:00

I've been a blog slacker. So here I am, with an update on my pregnancy and all sorts of other mundane information that no one should be interested in.

I'm about 6 months pregnant now, and just got an ultrasound today. It looked bad initially. The placenta was almost completely blocking my cervix. That's a definite C-section. Then it looked like my cervix was too open. Hello, bed rest. The technician decided to wait 15 minutes and do it again, and luckily things shifted (very strange). My placenta was still low, but not blocking. I attribute this change to gravity since they decided to put a huge pillow under my hips the second time around. My cervix also wasn't as open - apparently I had probably been having a contraction the first time. Very, very weird. I go back in another 4 weeks to see if things have improved.

Other than that, things are ok. Beast is terribly cute and charming, but a challenge. The things I have to do to get him to go to sleep - bribe him with marshmellows, threaten him, get him endless cups of water, fetch various cars from downstairs, cover him meticulously with his blanket, drug him with triaminic (I'm not proud of that), etc.

I'm also exploring the world of discipline. I spanked him (once, lightly) the other day when he hit me. That was the first time, and he didn't handle it well. Started shrieking and sobbing, but then he just wanted to be cuddled. I think I hurt his feelings more than anything else. I also over the last month or two have flicked him on the hand once or twice as a punishment. Same reaction as to the spanking. Mike does not approve of these corporal punishment tactics.

It's hard to know how to handle him. He doesn't take me seriously at all. When I say, 'No, E, that's not nice. That's bad!" He'll turn to me and say in a serious tone, "Bad mommy, that's not nice. You don't flick me! Bad mommy." And then I have to try to not laugh.

As for other parts of life, school is great this semester, particularly since the Claremont Women's Conference is over. That was a huge stresser. Apparently during my presentation I came off as "hard-edged" according to one man, though to Mike he used the more neutral word"forceful." Please, just because I don't lisp and speak in a primary voice...

Valentines Day Well Being

2009-02-20T17:03:00.000-08:00

Ok, so this wasn't Valentines Day, it was a few days later. But yesterday as we were driving home from Daphne's Greek Cafe, Mike said something very sweet. He told me that when I called him earlier that day, he felt a nice sense of well being that he had a wife who was going to come and pick him up and that we were going to go out to dinner, and just in general that he had a great life. (This feeling might have been sparked, he confessed, by his desire, at the moment I called him, to get away from students who were in his office and preventing him from getting work done.) Anyway, I thought it was sweet.

I told him that I had also had a well being epiphany that same day, but mine was sparked as I was at TJ Maxx buying Mexican pottery. I was so enjoying the acquisition of these cute dishes that I was thinking how awesome Mike is to make money and and that I get to go out and buy cool pottery with it. What a great life.

I know, not my greatest feminist moment.

Mundane Details About My Wednesday (you don't want to read this, people)

2009-02-12T07:07:00.000-08:00

6:45 - E wakes up. I am already up, so I climb the stairs to get him
6:45- 9:00 - E watches T.V. I try to steer him towards Sesame Street, since it seems a bit more educational than Dora or Clifford, but usually I have to put those on eventually. He eats breakfast (pop-tart usually - thank Mike for that) or recently lemon yogurt.
8:00 Mike comes down the stairs and takes E for half an hour so I can go up and get dressed.
8:30 Mike leaves for work
9:00 - 11:00 E and I go to the gym. Thank you, gym! You have hot water (unlike my house), you have cheap babysitting, I get to read my novel as I pretend to work out. Good times.
11:00 to 12:00 - I wrack my brains trying to figure out ways to waste time. Now that I'm pregnant, I'm usually hungry, so going and getting an early lunch works. Yesterday it was El Pollo Loco. E actually ate something.
12:15-1:30: E messes around at home. Unfortunately I buckle and turn on Sesame Street, even though I know I should not let him watch this much T.V.
1:30 to 2:30 - The great nap battle begins. I coax him up the stairs, with the agreement he can bring a crayon and a balloon. Bad decision. He marks the crayon all over the chair in his room. I read books to him, then chase him around the room in order to grab him and dump him in the crib. He's not happy. Have to go up the stairs a number of times to see what's wrong. It's generally that he dropped his balloon outside the crib and wants it back. Eventually I turn on the TV downstairs and put my ear plugs in so I don't have to hear him cry anymore. He eventually sleeps. I crash on the sofa and sleep too.
4:30 - E wakes up. He weasels a tortilla out of me, even though it's almost dinner time.
5:15 - I go pick up Mike. We go to Panera. E eats nothing.
6:00 - I'm home and I'm free! Mike takes E. He plays with him and deals with his tantrums. I read stuff for my classes.
9:00 - We watch Lost together.
10:00 - I go upstairs and read more.
11:00 - Go to sleep.

Bonhoeffer

2009-02-06T16:38:00.000-08:00

I heard a sermon preached last week about Bonhoeffer. Loved it. I wish I could remember more, but I was fascinated by his response to the horrors of Nazi Germany. He was a German theologian who was appalled by what he saw happening around him, and he said there were three responses the church could take. 1) initiate a conversation with the state and question their policies and decisions 2.) Nurse and comfort those who had been thrown under the bus by this regime. 3) Grab the steering wheel of the bus and try to save the people being mown down.

Ultimately Bonhoeffer chose the third. He justified his non-pacifist response to Hitler by saying that it was morally superior to try to grab that steering wheel when a lunatic is driving and try to unseat him, rather than continue to let him kill innocent people. Bonhoeffer was arrested for being involved in a failed assassination plot against Hitler and was hung a few months before Hitler killed himself.

I don't know what I would do in that situation. After watching Valkyrie and seeing how frightening and precarious the situation in Nazi Germany was, I was left with the overwhelming feeling that I would just want to live. I would just want my family to live. I felt so bad for those people that had to choose between Hitler and the resistance, and if they made the wrong choice they would die. So many of them just wanted to live too. It was only a few of the bravest and most principled who were willing to risk their lives as leaders of the resistance.

I'm taking a class on moral agency right now. Traditionally, the most moral person would be the one who made decisions based on principles, rather than the one who makes decisions based on emotion or relationships or individual context. Feminist ethics critiques this traditional view and says that no, making decisions based on relationships, emotions, and subjective inclinations can be just as moral as making those decisions based on principle. I think I firmly fall into that contextual and relational way of making decisions. If my children or spouse were to be put at risk from me being involved in a resistance movement, I doubt I would involve myself. That's kind of seems sad and cowardly to me. But that's an ethical decision too.

New Resolution

2009-01-24T20:18:00.000-08:00

My second semester at CGU has just started, and I am taking an autobiography class. Our prof has heavily encouraged us to start keeping a diary, so I hereby resolve to blog more about my daily life. If my daily life bores you (and it should) I heartily recommend you not read my posts for the next few months.

This weekend started off with a bang. I had a fantastic Friday. Loved my class "The Moral Agency of Women" which I went to for the first time. I had actually intended to go there and drop it, since I was worried I would want to strangle myself because of all the theoretical readings, but it turned out to be better than I could ever have imagined. Yes there's a lot of theory in the beginning, but the latter part of the course we'll be watching movies and reading lit and applying these ideas of women's moral agency to them. Yay! What fun. Because by the end of the class I'll be great with child, I do think I'll just audit it and get out of writing the 20 page research paper.

In class we watched the devastating Emma Thompson movie Wit about a woman dying of cancer who has moral agency stripped away from her. It was so awful and sad and wonderful. Lots of us were sniffling and crying as we watched it. It helped that the prof herself admited to tearing up every time she sees it. And afterwards, the prof had us sit in silence as we thought of all the people we know/knew who have dealt with the horrors of terminal illness. She told us this time was to 'hold these people in the light' and recall their presence. Very Quaker-esque and very pastoral. I thought it showed great sensitivity on the prof's part.

Had lunch with the WSR women and headed home to pick up E from Rebecca's. At home, while he napped, I napped, until rudely jarred awake by the doorbell fiercely ringing. An older Asian couple was there and kept trying to tell me something in Chinese, but I had no idea what they were saying, and I was dazed anyway by my recent nap. I felt really bad. Eventually they went away. I'm still wondering what on earth they were trying to say to me.

Our evening ended with us taking E back to Rebecca's so she could b-sit him while we went to go see You, Nero, Mike's Christmas present to me. (He had resolved this year to actually buy me a real present. This was somewhat unusual.) We were happy to have some time alone since E spent the whole 6:00 hour screaming and collapsing in tears whenever Mike and I tried to talk to each other about my moral agency class. "Talk to me!" he'd passionately sob as he crumpled to his knees.

You, Nero turned out to be very entertaining. Also entertaining was the program which showed next to his bio a picture of the main actor. The picture was taken at least 25 years ago. Mike refused to believe that that guy was the same one playing the main role. It totally was, but the guy really needs to update his picture.

Today: not nearly so exciting. Took E until 5:00 since Mike had to go to a conference. Long, long day. Wish I could figure out ways to make E care-taking less dull and lonely.

My Future Husbands

2009-01-11T19:12:00.000-08:00

In the grand spirit of Mormon plural marriage, I've started to pick out my future husbands in the hereafter. My first husband, always foremost in my affections, a king among handmen, is Mike, of course.

Husband number 2: This old guy named Val. I love him. Everytime I see him, he gives me a big hug with a complete lack of self-consciousness. (I'm really just an acquaintance.) He has a huge generosity of spirit and is so happy and friendly.

Husband number 3: Jerry Sanders, mayor of San Diego. This is a bit of a shocker because he's a Republican, but I fell in love with him during this YouTube clip. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAOkwjQdm6Q . What a courageous and generous person.

Husband number 4: William Wilburforce. So all I really know about him comes from the movie Amazing Grace, but I was extraordinarily moved (as depicted in the movie) by this man's tireless quest to abolish slavery in Britain. And by his love for animals - he started the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

What do all these men have in common? Compassion, courage in their convictions, and a huge generosity of spirit. All qualities I wish I could embody better.

Quotes

2008-10-29T21:46:00.000-07:00

"Learn to live with everything that is unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers now, which could not be given to you, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now, and perhaps someday, far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answers." - Rainer Maria Rilke"

You and I have spoken all these words, but as for the way we have to go, words are no preparation. There is no getting ready, other than grace." - Rumi

"Out beyond ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing there is a field, I'll meet you there." - Rumi"

Being with the Friend means not being who you've been, but being instead, silence. A place, a room, a view." - Rumi

"We must decide it in our hearts once and for all, and then over and over again, that we will never celebrate a victory banquet that does not have a place prepared for our enemies." - Walter Wink

Is this a cute kid or what?

2008-10-11T21:21:00.000-07:00

We got some pictures taken a month ago. Look at my Beast. He may be a bit difficult, but he sure is adorable. Also some cute pics of the three of us.

Artificial Insemination Fun

2008-10-09T10:01:00.000-07:00

Well, this week I entered the world of artificial insemination. It's not pretty. I was envisioning me taking some clomid and then a quick injection of sperm and we'd be done with it. But no. I've had to go in every morning this week so that they can do ultrasounds of my ovaries and monitor the eggs. The ultrasound method is invasive and not pleasant. I'll say no more about that.

And today I was inseminated, but I have to go back and do it again tomorrow. The insemination is more involved as well. It involves a catheter getting inserted to the very top of my uterus Unpleasant, but not as horrifyingly painful as that damn iodine test.

Let's hope this takes. And that it's not twins.

Update

2008-09-21T15:13:00.000-07:00

I'm three weeks into my classes at CGU. So far, no regrets about quitting my teaching job, though I do miss my students who could be so funny and cute at times. And sometimes I get all tense thinking about not only the money I'm not making by teaching, but also the exorbitant cost of tuition I'm now paying out. I'm in a whole new financial ballgame here. For the first time in 6 years I'm not bringing in any money to my marriage. Thank goodness Mike is so laid back about whether I work or don't work or go to school.

One of the downsides of my current path is my lack of free time. Every second I'm not taking care of Beast I'm reading my buns off or writing papers for class. It's a bit stressful - goodbye meaningless TV shows - but it's also nice to have so much to do all the time. I'm usually at my most unhappy when I have nothing to do. Now I've got something to do every day, and I feel like I'm continually being productive. And when the rare hour comes when I can sit and blog or talk on the phone with a friend, I appreciate it all the more.

My classes are a blast. My introduction to women's studies in religion is opening up ways of thinking I've barely ever considered before. I absolutely love the topic, though I feel at a disadvantage since I have no background in religious studies whatsoever. This week I lead a discussion for the first time. I'm a bit nervous, but happy it's on an article that I'm somewhat familiar with, having read it several years ago.

Now the biggest thing on my plate is deciding whether or not to formally apply for the PhD program. Is this it? Is this finally what I should be doing with my life? I've got to start figuring that out ASAP.

Conversation

2008-08-28T22:11:00.000-07:00

Me: Mike, you're the best husband ever.
Mike: Ok, what are you reading now....?
Me: It's this novel about a woman who finds out that her new husband is into the occult. And it turns out he's a murderer and a psychopath. You're looking really good to me right now.

(Mike and I sometimes joke that the glue that holds our marriage together is the fact that I often read these books that feature horrible, abusive husbands. After one of those books, I have such a huge feeling of relief that I'm married to Mike, so I am especially nice to him.)

I did not fall on my face

2008-08-14T14:21:00.000-07:00

I just took the GRE this morning. Oh, the relief. This albatross that has been weighing me down all summer and preventing me from reading to prepare for the fall is finally gone.

And I did well! I got a 770 on the verbal and a 670 on the math. I'm relieved by the verbal score. On practice tests I got between 700 and 790 so that score pretty well reflects what I was capable of. But the math! Woohoo! On practice tests I got between 470 and 560. I never thought I'd break 600. I must be the best guesser in the world since I would say I guessed on 65% of the math questions.

Now I just have to wait to see how I did on the writing. I'm not too worried, as my abilities to B.S. have increased with age.

I'm done. I'm so happy.

Guest Post: On Christianity and Proposition 8

2008-08-09T14:43:00.001-07:00

by Robert John Williams, band member of Faded Paper Figures, and Ph.D in comparitive lit.

I wasn't going to write anything publicly on this issue. The question of gay marriage comes up every few years (usually as a way of mobilizing politically people who are otherwise relatively non-political), and will probably come up again. I figured it would become an issue for more conservative Mormons, much like gun-ownership, flag-burning, etc. etc., but that the church would exercise its political muscles in its more typically subtle, cultural way—not explicitly demanding officially that church members get involved on one side of the issue. But it appears that the frenetic piousness of American evangelism has recruited the Mormon leadership to join the cause in a more overt and intrusive way. The First Presidency letter read over the pulpit a few weeks ago admits as much (i.e. that Mormon leaders were asked to join in a "coalition" with more conservative, openly homophobic churches). I suppose I understand that the First Presidency felt obligated to join the cause; having campaigned aggressively for a similar cause in 2000, they would have looked like traitors to pass on the issue this time around. But what is really surprising to me is that the California branches of the church would have forgotten how extremely alienating their activism on this issue was for certain members of the church, and for certain segments of the larger California population.

Nonetheless, with the First Presidency on board, and an official injunction to give of our "time and means" to Proposition 8, the Mormons in my ward have become politically active in a way that is truly breathtaking. One prominent, wealthy member of the ward who serves in the capacity of Public Relations for the church, and whose email listserve regularly bombards its recipients with editorials expounding the cultural evils of gayness, has become something of a leader in the cause. But he's hardly alone in my ward. The bishop has testified several times on the issue, and his secretary recently sent out an email (signed by the bishopric) to the entire ward asking that members of the ward volunteer in the "substantial effort to mobilize support for passage of Proposition 8." The ward has distributed envelopes, asking us to donate money to the cause. Sign-up sheets have been passed around Elder's Quorum asking us to volunteer to make phone calls, go door-to-door, and distribute anti-gay-marriage propaganda.

For a number of reasons I'll describe below, I find myself on the opposite side of this political issue. So far, though, I haven't done much in the way of protest. I've been wearing a rainbow ribbon to church, along with my rainbow sandals, and if someone asks me, I'm happy to discuss, very civilly, my political views. But I haven't born any testimony about it in sacrament meeting. I haven't started a conversation about it on my own with anyone in church. And I didn't mention homosexuality in any of my Sunday school lessons (a calling from which I was recently released—though ostensibly not for political reasons….ahem…even though the person they replaced me with is undoubtedly the most conservative, scripturally literalist member of the ward). So when I recently visited Utah and my mother asked me to take off my rainbow ribbon before attending the baby blessing of my niece, I felt a bit uncomfortable. The truth is, I was already uncomfortable wearing the ribbon to church. I don't particularly want to talk about gay marriage with my mostly-conservative fellow church members. But I wasn't the one who decided to turn the chapel into an arena for political discussion. This was imposed upon us by a "coalition" of other, less-true churches, and our leaders have decided to go along. So be it. Let's talk about it. Why would a good Mormon possibly oppose the grand political machinations currently at work in church to pass Proposition 8? Why would I feel compelled to wear a rainbow ribbon to church, even though it makes me and my family feel uncomfortable?

In C.S. Lewis's classic Screwtape Letters, the senior devil Screwtape comments to his young nephew, Wormwood: "It is funny how mortals always picture us as putting things into their minds: in reality our best work is done by keeping things out." The idea Screwtape goes on to expound is that if the devil can distract you from some greater good by convincing you to put all of your energies into some other, entirely inconsequential activity, you'll be so worried about that other thing, you'll completely ignore the larger good. In church we are told that Proposition 8 is not motivated by disdain for homosexuals, but by a sacred responsibility to protect heterosexual marriage. And it is true, undoubtedly, that marriage in the U.S. is in serious trouble. Divorce has become endemic, and its causes are numerous. However, even the most cursory glance at the statistical information on divorce shows that the legal status of homosexual unions is not a cause of heterosexual divorce (in fact, it's not on any of the lists of reasons for divorce, anywhere!).

More to the point, financial problems, infidelity, major life trauma, and sexual dysfunction are all major causes of divorce. Consider, for example, how many marriages have been torn apart by the war in Iraq. According to this report, just last year there were more than 10,000 divorces in the U.S. Army. Two years after the war started (and it has gotten worse since), the divorce rate for enlisted personnel was up 28 percent—and for officers it was up 78 percent. And that is not counting the more than 100,000 Iraqi civilian families that have been torn apart by the death of a spouse (death being, of course, an even more devastating way to end a marriage here in mortality). What this means--in the most basic, empirical, totally provable sense--is that if Mormons were to become active in ending the war in Iraq, they would be instrumental in saving tens of thousands of marriages. But instead, they are campaigning for Proposition 8, which does nothing to save any marriages, at all. 100,000+ marriages or 0. You decide which the devil would have you campaign for most aggressively (I'll be fighting for the 100,000+).

However, in fighting for that symbolic (yet completely inconsequential, for them) gesture, some Mormons have begun spreading deliberate and paranoid lies about what gay marriage would mean for the church and the country. I have heard, for example, that if Prop 8 does not pass, Mormons will be forced to allow gay people to get married in the temple. I've heard that teachers at school will be forced to read homosexually-charged literature with their children—and that our young Mormon kids will be consequently confused and drawn into to a gay lifestyle. I've heard that orphanages will be forced to hand over their children to sexually abusive gay couples (even though, obviously, a single responsible gay person can already adopt a child and live with that child with their gay partner). All of these are lies, of course. But the larger issue here is that whereas the government has a responsibility not to discriminate among its people, a church is entirely free to go on discriminating however it wants. My own feeling is that the church has every right to decide what counts as a "marriage" in church, but that the government has no right to decide whether a union between two consenting adults is or isn't a "marriage." It's a position Brigham Young would have been very comfortable with.
But of course the use of scare quotes on "marriage" already gives away what it is we're really arguing about: semantics, definitions, symbolic status. Marriage has been defined as "between a man and a woman" for a long time, right? The majority of the population defines it that way, right? Why should a small minority of people who feel like what they have is "marriage" actually be allowed to call it "marriage" if it actually offends the larger majority? These are certainly interesting questions for Mormons. "We're Christians!" we like to tell our neighbors. "Just because the larger population of Christians don't consider us Christians, so what? We're still Christians!" And of course we're just arguing semantics, right? Definitions, and symbolic status, right? It's interesting that we don't like it when it goes the other way.

I've really had to ask myself recently, are we Christians? If Christ were alive today, what would he be campaigning for politically? Would it be Prop 8, that merely symbolic, word-based initiative with no real impact on the marriages of the U.S. (except to grant that status to a group of people born slightly different from the majority)? Or would he be wearing a rainbow ribbon to church, loving even people who are different from the majority? Or would he actually have moved beyond such silly political games, and be actively campaigning to end genocide in Darfur? Maybe he would be campaigning to end the war in Iraq. Or to fight the massive starvation that currently faces the 1 billion people on the planet who live on less than a dollar a day. My dear Mormon friends, if we want to be considered Christians, perhaps it's time we started acting like Christians—real Christians. If we could channel these political energies into something truly Christian, just think of what we could do!
Signed,
Robert John Williams

P.S. to anyone who would like to respond to this post, have the courage to do so with your own name. Anonymous (read: cowardly) responses will not get you points in heaven.

mosaic of me

2008-08-07T08:55:00.001-07:00

mosaic of me
Originally uploaded by carolineek

Thanks to Jana for the heads up on this mosaic picture meme. I created it by searching flickr for the answers to these questions. Photos come from the first page of results.

1. What's your first name. (Caroline)
2. What is your favorite food? (Indian)
3. What high school did you attend? (San Marino)
4. What is your favorite color? (red)
5. Who is your celebrity crush? (Barak Obama)
6. Favorite drink? (Dr. Pepper)
7. Dream vacation? (caribbean)
8. Favorite dessert? (mud pie)
9. What do you want to be when you grow up? (professor)
10. What do you love most in life? (family)
11. One word to describe you. (idealistic)
12. Your Flickr name. (I had to change that to last name: Kline)

Paraphrased Conversation

2008-07-31T21:43:00.000-07:00

(After a disagreement about how Mike doesn't want me to reveal private details of his life on my blog.)

Caroline: Am I allowed to write a post about how I'm not allowed to talk about you anymore on my blog?
Mike: That's not even true. You can mention me, but I'm not comfortable with you talking about things I consider private.
Caroline: Am I allowed to write a post about how you don't want to be mentioned in detail anymore on my blog?
Mike: I've never wanted to be mentioned in detail on your blog. That's not changed. And I've told you that many times.
Caroline: So am I allowed to write a post about how you don't want to be mentioned in detail and never wanted to be mentioned in detail on my blog?
Mike: Before you post it, let me know what you write.
Caroline: Ok, baby. I'm here to make you happy.
Mike: You're not here to make me happy. You're here to make me less upset. Ok. time for me to watch Burn Notice.

(After going over this post and having me change words here and there)

Mike: What's the difference between a sadist and a masochist?
Caroline: Sadist likes to inflict pain on others, masochist on themselves.
Mike: Well you're a sadist AND a masochist. You like to dig into the painful details of our lives. And besides that, you're an exhibitionist.
Caroline: This would make a great blog conversation.

Infertility Fun

2008-07-31T21:14:00.000-07:00

The last couple months, I've been been going to the doctor's to try to figure out why I'm not getting pregnant. So far, I've had blood drawn (no sweat) and an intrusive test in which they pumped iodine throughout my uturus and ovaries and tubes to see if there are any blockages. The two tylenal they told me to take beforehand really didn't do much to numb the horrific pain.

The only good thing to come of the experience is the knowledge that I'm apparently functioning fine. Now it's Mike's turn to get tested. Hopefully we'll get some concrete answers soon.

A visual rundown of my life this last month

2008-07-23T13:28:00.000-07:00

The gorgeous NaPali coast in Kauai. I had a blast on the boat ride to see the coastline.

Mike desperately trying not to throw up on the 5 hour Napali Coast boat ride. Notice how tightly he clenches the bar in front of him...

Mike rowing us up the Waimea Canyon river.

Mike and I at the Secret Waterfall in Kauai

Cousin David, baby E, and Mike in the swimming pool. Incidentally, this picture was taken on our 8th wedding anniversary.

All About Me

2008-06-27T18:47:00.000-07:00

My friend sent me this questionaire. Here's your chance to learn some nitty gritty details of my everyday life.

TODAY:
What time did you get up this morning? Is this typical? About 6:45. It's when the damn dogs start howling to be let out of the kitchen. And then Beast starts crying as well.

What did you have for breakfast? Slim-fast. Sounds disgusting, but I've developed a taste for it.

What do you do in your spare time? Blog, read, see artsy films. Hang out with cool friends.

What is under your bed? boxes of maternity clothes. Random trash.

What do you first notice about someone? Probably their style. And if they seem nice. And if they seem like they are engaged in the issues of the day.

Do you have/want any pets? I have Sophia the decrepit pug, and Eliza the half beagle, half who knows, and half devil dog.

FAVORITES:
TV shows? The Office, 24, Battlestar Galactica, Damages

Cuisine? Indian, Thai

Sandwich? Not a sandwich person. I don't like condiments or vegetables on sandwiches, so with just meat and cheese, it's like, what's the point?

Junk food? Cheetos

Item of clothing? Little short sleeved jackets

Time of the day? morning

Flower? never thought about it

Season? Probably summer.

Type of massage? Wow. I'm not conversant in types of massages. What are the different types?

THIS OR THAT
Hugs or kisses? Hugs. I'm over the kissing thing.

Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate.

Mountains or beach? Beach.

Diamonds or pearls? Once upon a time, I would have said diamonds. But now I have blood diamond guilt.

Coke or Pepsi? Diet coke . Or even better, Diet Dr. Pepper

Rainbow Ribbons on Sunday

2008-06-24T14:43:00.000-07:00

Last week, church leaders released a letter that will be read on Sunday the 29th. This letter will encourage members to donate time and money to pass a CA ammendment that restricts marriage to one man and one woman.

It's a disappointing letter and hurtful to some people who would like their gay friends and family members to have the chance to marry.

So this week my friends will be wearing rainbow ribbons to church to quietly show our support for our gay friends. I'll be out of town (in Hawaii - yay!), but I'm sad I won't be there to wear a rainbow ribbon with them. This afternoon Brooke and I are going to make a bunch of rainbow ribbons to distribute to interested people. If you want one, let us know.

My Brother is Cyber Stalking Me

2008-06-03T08:13:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, I learned that my brother Jon has not only read every post on this blog within the last couple of months, he is also now going to my other group blog and is reading every post to find my comments. My comments! Oh. My. Gosh.

Like I told him, if he gets his jollies out of cyber stalking me, he's welcome to. I just have one request. Jon, please respond to my posts online, rather than in person. That's what a blog is all about.

Crying With China

2008-05-21T07:20:00.000-07:00

When I listen to touching or sad stories on NPR, often tears come to my eyes. Sometimes they fall down my cheeks. Rarely do I start having to catch my breath because I’m really crying

Last Wednesday was one of those rare times. It was a devastating story about a young Chinese couple frantically searching for their young child in the rubble of a collapsed apartment buiding. Two days had passed since the earthquake, but this couple still had hope their son and some grandparents were still alive.

Maybe it’s because my toddler is exactly the same age as their toddler. Maybe it’s because of the heart-wrenching wail of the mom towards the pile of rubble, “Wang, Mom is coming for you!”, is exactly what I would have wailed. Maybe it’s because of that final description of the dead boy cradled in his dead grandfather’s arms.

I cried for a good 20 minutes over this story. And when I had finally gotten myself together, it struck me that I was profoundly grateful for that story. Grateful. What a strange emotion towards something that had made me so sad.

Hearing this couple’s agony was devastating, but it also made me feel… human. So many days of my life I just do my thing in my comfortable life. I bristle with annoyance at bad drivers, I try to maintain patience in the face of toddler tantrums, I buy the groceries. I am encircled in the everyday.

But to have those few moments when I absolutely transcend the mundane, when I feel a stranger’s pain and mourn with those who mourn, when I feel overwhelmed with empathy - it was exhilarating and awful and wonderful. These were moments of infinite depth, moments where my soul recognized a sister and brother a world away, moments where I truly felt my humanity and my oneness with God’s children.

By the Way

2008-05-17T22:56:00.000-07:00

I'm giddy with happiness that the CA Supreme Court has overturned the ban on gay marriage.

I think Jerry Sanders, Republican mayor of San Diego, says it all. Well done, Jerry.

"You Know You Have A Cheap Watch...

2008-05-17T22:20:00.001-07:00

...when the 10 year old in front of you in the theater is wearing the same exact one."

So says Mike after an excursion to watch the carnage filled Vantage Point. It was Mike's turn to pick. But I didn't object too much. He deserved it after I forced him to watch Caramel.

The Prayer of an Unbeliever

2008-05-07T22:15:00.000-07:00

Prayers from various religious traditions uplift and expand my being.

Ironic since I haven’t prayed regularly for 5 years now. The patterns of my Mormon prayers feel constrained and empty to me at times. I know the fault lies within myself, that there is a way to connect to the divine in the thank-ask pattern I’ve learned since primary.

But I haven’t quite figured out how to make my Mormon prayers click yet. So I turn to the prayers of others.

I was intensely touched by holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel’s prayer. In his book Night, he describes his loss of faith as he surveys the bodies of murdered children. He writes, “Never shall I forget that nocturnal silence which deprived me, for all eternity, of the desire to live. Never shall I forget those moments which murdered my God and my soul and turned my dreams to dust….”

In an interview by Krista Tippett, she asks him what happened after that. What happened after he lost his faith forever.

His response: “I went on praying.”

Here is his prayer:

I no longer ask You for either happiness or paradise; all I ask You is to listen and let me be aware of Your lisening.

I no longer ask You to resolve my questions, only to receive them and make them part of You.

I no longer ask You for either rest or wisdom, I only ask You not to close me to gratitude, be it of the most trivial kind, or to surprise and friendship. Love? Love is not Yours to give.

As for my enemies, I do not ask You to punish them or even to enlighten them; I only ask You not to lend them Your mask and Your powers. If You must relinquish one or the other, give them Your powers. But not Your countenance.

They are modest, my requests, and humble. I ask You what I might ask a stranger met by chance at twilight in a barren land.

I ask You, God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to enable me to pronounce these words without betraying the child that transmitted them to me: God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, enable me to forgive You and enable the child I once was to forgive me too.

I no longer ask You for the life of that child, nor even for his faith. I only beg You to listen to him and act in such a way that You and I can listen to him together.*

My soul resonates with this prayer. In it I find room for questions and answers, for anger and mystery, for faith and doubt. It is transcendent.

It's been a long time

2008-05-04T14:51:00.001-07:00

I've been avoiding my blog recently. Probably because I found out that my brother discovered my blog, and that traumatized me.

Anyway, things are going along swimmingly. The kids at school are rambunctious and loud, but they do make me laugh. E is really starting to talk. He's moving beyond just nouns and is saying things like "no pull, daddy." "hold, mama." His interest in moving vehicles is as fierce as ever, and he still likes women's shoes, too.

I'm still thinking that next year I'll go to grad school on a trial basis, and from there decide if I want to apply for the Ph.D program. It's a scary decision because I really have enjoyed my part time teaching job. Giving it up is a gamble. And by going to grad school, Mike and I will be taking a major financial hit. Luckily Mike is being very cool about that.

Other things on my mind:

I'm looking forward to my woman's retreat at the end of this month
I'm excited about our trip to Hawaii this summer (thank goodness economists deliberately pick awesome locations for conferences.)
I'm preparing a reading list for this summer so I can go into some of my fall classes not completely in the dark.
Still trying to get pregnant - will see a fertility doctor soon if there's no action.
I'm trying to brainstorm ideas for more humanitarian activities - so far we've done Habitat for Humanity, beach cleanup, school supplies for African orphans, Christmas adopt a family, clothes swaps. But I need more!
Life is good. Mike and I are doing great. E's doing great. I'm super lucky.

My husband's free adultery pass

2008-03-25T21:12:00.000-07:00

A couple of years ago, I announced to Mike, “If you ever cheat on me (and then confess and feel really bad about it), I’d forgive you. I wouldn’t divorce you.”

This marked an important turning point in my conception of marriage. Before I was married, and even into the first couple of years of our marriage, I was convinced that if my husband was ever unfaithful, I would immediately kick him to the curb. The marriage would be over. Period. And how could anyone think differently?

But with eight years of marriage and one baby behind me, my views on this topic have become more nuanced. I can still see how a marriage with an unfaithful spouse could descend into a pit of broken dreams, crushed expectations, and destroyed trust. I can see how love could die from such a huge mistake, and I wouldn’t judge any person who decided to end their marriage after such a betrayal.

But as for me and my marriage, I now think that I’d be unlikely to leave a loving and contrite Mike, a Mike who was willing to change and try to work things out. Perhaps this is due in part to my extreme pragmatism. I like being married. What would my chances be of finding a man as nice as Mike, particularly with baby in tow? And what about money? I have a couple of graduate degrees, but as a teacher, my earning potential is less than half of Mike’s. I could survive, but it would be difficult on my own with the baby. These are my sobering realities, and I suspect these are the sobering realities that a lot of women face when they consider whether or not to divorce a cheating husband.

Beyond all the pragmatic considerations, however, there have also been my dawning appreciation of Christian forgiveness and my realizations of my own fallibility. Let’s face it. I’m a screw up. We’re all screw ups to some extent. We all do stupid things. I want to think that my heart could be big enough to forgive the (nearly) unforgivable.

Don’t get me wrong. I would not stay in a perpetually bad marriage. I could accept and forgive an episode of regretted cheating more easily than I could accept continual unkindness, disrespect, or emotional distance.

My husband and I refer to my bald announcement as his get-out-of-jail-free pass. I suspect we are able to joke about it because Mike is about as likely to commit adultery as I am to fly to the moon. But I think it’s an intriguing topic. Is adultery a deal breaker? How bad does a marriage have to be before you would leave it? And how much should one take into account the pragmatic considerations when deciding whether or not to leave a marriage?

I'm a sucker

2008-03-21T13:33:00.001-07:00

Here I am in the early afternoon blogging. I should be teaching, but my horrid stomach flu has forced me to get a sub again.

So I sit here and check my email. And I find one from the Humane Society about the winners of a pet photo contest. Each one has a sentence or two about their pet. So many of these pets have been abandoned and abused, and now they are loved and helping their owners overcome depression or anxiety.

So like a sucker, I read these tributes and look at the pictures, and tears just roll down my face.

Sick Again

2008-03-20T22:04:00.000-07:00

This has been a horrible couple of months when it comes to sickness. Yesterday I came down with a violent case of the stomach flu (or was it food poisoning?) and threw up a good 20 times before the day was over. My body hurt so much that I couldn't even sleep. I even called in a sub today. Yesterday's experience of having to run out of the classroom a few times and vomiting in my classroom's trash can convinced me that I better just suck it up and get the sub.

Now Mike is sick with the stomach flu. Poor guy.

Sunstone West

2008-03-15T22:17:00.000-07:00

I just got back from my day at Sunstone. A good day. E spent the day with Mike's parents, so we were free to enjoy the various sessions. I particularly loved the Why I Stay session. Here are some of my favorite memories from that session:

1. The cute old man who got out his temple rec and waved it around and then also showed us his Obama pin that he wears everywhere. And the fact that he wears it is such a way that he can conceal it around people who would be uncomfortable with it.
2. Claudia's energetic presentation. What a fun speaker. I particularly loved her ending point. She stays because the Church needs her. Needs women of age and experience like her who have proved their loyalty and are free to give non standard answers in SS or RS, thereby giving permission to the younger women to do likewise.
3. M.T.'s whole presentation. I loved how honest he was about how difficult his mission was and how troubled he was by the priesthood ban. I was touched by his stories of losing two of his children and the way his ward rallied around him. I rarely think much about my own dead father, but I was struck by the thought that I would have loved to have a father like this man.

Money in Marriage

2008-03-13T19:33:00.000-07:00

I handle all the finances in my marriage. I pay every bill, open up all bank accounts, take the lead in long term investing, and do all the purchasing. I do it all, and I like it that way.* So does Mike. I think a part of him kind of wishes he knew where the money went, but a much bigger part of him is relieved to not have to deal with it.

It’s not that Mike has absolutely no idea of what’s going on. If there’s something electronic we need to buy, or something car related, or something really big, like over a couple hundred dollars, we talk about it.

Every six months or so, Mike makes a half hearted comment about how we (I) should spend less. But there isn’t any strong feeling behind his comments. He knows that we’re in the black and saving a good chunk of money every month. He also – and this is so interesting – has told me that he doesn’t say much about my occasional clothing splurges or decisions to give away chunks of money because I bring home a paycheck as a part time teacher, and he regards this as my money.

This is fascinating. If I were a full time stay at home mom, would he be more critical of what I do with the money? Does my part time job earn me space and freedom to purchase and give as I see fit?

I remember my mom once telling me her ideal way of handling money in a marriage. The majority of money should go towards the common expenses and necessities– mortgage, utilities, food, etc., but that each person also should get a few hundred dollars (or less, depending on financial circumstances) of personal money every month to spend however he or she wished. And each person would not be at all accountable to the other for it.

I love the egalitarian quality of this idea, so recently I offered Mike (and myself) a monthly amount that we could do whatever we wished with. At the time, guilt was overcoming me since I have so much more fun with money than Mike does, who never wants to buy anything except books.

He wasn’t as impressed with the idea.
“What am I going to do with _____ a month? “ said Mike.
I said, “You could save it and someday buy something big you really want.”
“Nah, sounds like a hassle,” was Mike’s reply.

Gotta admire the man’s desire for simplicity.

Terrible Day

2008-03-08T21:40:00.000-08:00

I've been really sick. I think I have the flu or some kind of nasty virus. Along with a high fever, I've got the chills, muscle weakness, aches all over my body, terrible cough and congestion, etc.

Today I got home from a school activity, sat on my kitchen floor to pet my dogs, turned the dog heater onto me full blast, and fell asleep on the kitchen floor for half an hour. Then mom got home with E, ending my interlude with the floor.

Mom then left E with me to run to the store for something. One of the longest 30 minutes of my life. I promptly staggered into the counter and knocked two glasses over which shattered. E was screaming by this point wanting to be picked up, but I had to try to sweep up the glass, even though I could barely had the strength to move around and bend over. By this time, I've had an emotional breakdown and am trying to stop crying. E spent the next 20 minutes screaming at me because I wouldn't pick him up (no strength).

By the time mom got home, E was in a terrible state. Mom had E sit next to me on the couch, but he was so angry he started hitting me and pulling my hair, which made me break down again. Mom at this point gets really mad at E and hauls him up to his crib for a 15 minute timeout, during which time he screams like someone's killing him.

Eventually E came down and was very sweet. He was still hiccouphing and sniffling, but was no longer violent.

I just got him to bed. Time for me to go too.

Conversation

2008-02-26T23:24:00.000-08:00

Mike comes home from playing basketball, gets out of his sweaty clothes, and throws them into the hamper in the bathroom.

Me: Wow, those clothes are pretty odiferous. You must have some pretty potent sweat glands.
Mike: I'm just leaving my scent so that other males stay away from you.
Me: In that case, why don't you just pee on the floor and have done with it?
Mike: Who says I haven't?

Sick Obsession with HGTV:

2008-02-12T20:17:00.000-08:00

Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted. Life is tripping on. I've discovered, to my shock, that the days I teach are way better than the weekends or the days I have off for holiday. Who would have thought? But the kids make me laugh and I do get a break from Evan. That's priceless.

Other than teaching and caretaking, I've spent a frightening amount of time watching HGTV. (That's the Home and Gardens channel, for those of you who are HGTV virgins.) House Hunters, Designed to Sell, Curb Appeal. What can I say, I'm obsessed with these programs. There's something riveting about watching people make unattractive spaces beautiful. Or find wonderful homes after living in something they hate.

I have mixed feelings about this strange interest I have in HGTV. On the one hand, there are positives. I keep the house cleaner and actually make the bed more when I watch HGTV. I care more about having a nicer home environment. On the other hand, it makes me avaricious. I want stainless steel appliances! I want a house with a view! I want up to date and stylish furnishings!

While my HGTV inspired interest in taking care of my house is probably a good thing, I can't help but wonder.... why? Is it truly more ethical to keep your house tidy and attractive than not? Why do RS leaders like to talk about the moral imperative of keeping an orderly house? Isn't it really just a matter of preference? Don't some people work better (or just as well) in messy spaces? And do programs like the ones above ultimately play into our materialistic and consumeristic impulses?

You can see my ambivalence. I love watching spaces transform from ugly to beautiful. But I can't help but wonder if the time and expense spent on such things is ultimately worthless, decadent, and entirely superficial.

Sunday Night

2008-01-20T22:03:00.000-08:00

I am watching Northanger Abbey right now, and am finding strange and frightening parallels between myself and Catherine Moreland.

a) we're both are/have been addicted to Gothic, trashy literature.
b) we both end up with good tempered, sensible, straitlaced clergymen.

The Beast Regresses

2008-01-12T22:05:00.000-08:00

The last few weeks have been hard. Beast, at 17 months, suddenly decided that he no longer was going to take naps or go to bed at a reasonable hour. I've had to listen to hours of him crying in his crib.

The low point was a couple of Sundays ago when he yet again was in his crib crying while he should have been napping. I let him cry up there for 45 minutes, convinced that eventually he'd give in and go to sleep. But no. Mike eventually got home from his endless church meetings and I had my emotional breakdown. As always Mike was a rock. Took us both for a ride through the hills, and Beast finally slept in the car.

Things are better now. We've established a new routine for putting him down. Lullaby music on the cd player in his room. Sitting in the rocker with him and reading for 20 minutes before bedtime. It's a lot more work than it was before, but it seems to generally be doing the trick.

Mike's Quote of the Day

2008-01-07T20:30:00.000-08:00

"Flared nostrils make me hungry." (says Mike as we watch Jane Eyre)

Quote

2007-12-27T14:46:00.000-08:00

"Power is the ability to take one's place in whatever discourse is essential to action and the right to have one's part matter." Carolyn Heilbrun

New Insights Into Marrying Young

2007-12-26T22:26:00.000-08:00

Up until a couple years ago, I thought I would go ballistic if ever my child at, say, 21 years of age, told me he/she wanted to get married. I was a firm believer in dating around, living life independently, and finishing college (at least) before marriage. I mean, that was fine if other people wanted to get married young, but I sure didn’t want my kids leaping in to something so serious at such a young age.

I was actually a bit embarrassed that I got married as young as I did at 22 turning 23. But at least, I rationalized to myself, I had one year of grad school under my belt, one year of living in Europe, and a year of living by myself in my own apartment.

I think things did work out beautifully for me and Mike. He was 27 and finishing up grad school at the time of our marriage. We actually lived apart for the first 5 months of our married life as he finished up classes on the East Coast and I continued with my program on the West Coast. Though sometimes I have slight twinges of envy when I hear about the exciting lives of some of my single friends, I’ve never had a moment’s regret over marrying Mike when I did.

Over the last couple of years, my feelings about getting married young have started to change. I’ve met friends who got married in their very early 20’s, and have made a great life together. They’ve been able to grow, mature, and decide together what academic and career paths to take. Together their faith has matured and been nuanced. Together they’ve gone to other countries to teach English. Together they’ve become real adults.

When I see my couple friends who have gelled so nicely, I sometimes joke that Mike was too well formed, too set in his ways, when I married him. We have a fantastic marriage, but we haven’t grown together like others I know. We remain in different political parties. We remain with different approaches to living out our Mormon faith. We remain, well, very different.

While I like the idea of maturing together into adulthood, my change of heart really is due to conversations with some single friends. My good friend recently broke up with her boyfriend of four years, the man she was convinced she would marry. But after giving the guy lots of time, he wasn’t ready for marriage so she was forced to break it off.

She came over to my home the other day and with tears in her eyes told me that she was now approaching 31, and that she should have been married by now, she should have had a baby by now. That this guy took the best years of her life, and how was she ever going to meet someone new and start again? My heart went out to her. And I’m worried that it will indeed be hard for her to meet new people since she’s a bit shy and dislikes bar scenes.

From talking to her, and to other single friends, I’ve learned how hard it can be to find someone when you’re getting into your 30’s. I’ve spent several hours worrying about my friends, hoping and praying that they will find the relationships they are looking for, and wracking my brains for men to introduce them to. (Disclaimer: My angst is due to their angst. If they were happy single, I would be certainly be happy for them.)

So what’s the upshot of all this? If my kid is 21 and desperately in love with a good kid who has potential, I won’t stand in their way. I’d hate to put my foot down against an early marriage and then live to see my child with regrets later on if another special person didn’t come along.

Beast is Better

2007-12-14T21:29:00.000-08:00

Well, I actually had quite a pleasant day with Beast. I think he's over whatever shot-induced funk he was in last week.

He smiled and said, "mama, mama, mama" when I got him up.
He put my head on my shoulder for 5 seconds.
He let me change his diaper with only minimal screaming and body convulsions.
He ran around and pretty much didn't harass me at the park.
He played with blocks by himself for about 10 minutes.
He ate a decent dinner at Chick Fil-A without throwing his food around.
He let me put him in his pajamas without an emotional breakdown.
He went to bed happy.

Good day. Good day.

Another Short Shameful Confession

2007-12-08T13:06:00.000-08:00

Yesterday in the car, Beast was being horrible. Screeching for no reason at all and wouldn't stop.

Finally my control snapped, and I turned around and said to him. "I can do that, too. WAAAH! WAAAH!"

Baby was shocked by my loud screeches and cried quietly to himself for the rest of the ride home. I felt kind of bad.

My Acrostic

2007-12-06T18:58:00.000-08:00

NPR told me
On the radio yesterday that

Maybe we won't take the
Offensive against Iran.
Relief!
Everlasting gratitude to the gods!

What might have happened without
Assiduous intelligence people,
Resolved to not attack
!rresponsibly again.

Short Shameful Confession

2007-12-02T19:21:00.000-08:00

Sometimes at night, after Mike has gone to bed, I hold my beast in my arms, stare soulfully into my beast's eyes, and sing John Denver songs. Usually it's Annie's Song.

You fill up my senses, like a night in the forest, like the mountains in springtime, like a walk in the rain...Come let me love you, let me give my life to you....

And then Eliza delicately sticks out her long pink tongue and licks my chin.

Pathetic

2007-11-26T19:29:00.000-08:00

Here's a pathetic image from Friday at 3:00 AM:

I am on the floor of the bathroom. I've been throwing up for half an hour, and am exhausted. Yet I know that if I return to bed, I'll just have to get up and retch again in a few minutes. So I curl up on the floor of the bathroom next to the toilet, and use a role of toilet paper for a pillow. Despite its "double quilted soft" qualities, it is surprisingly uncomfortable.

Bad Ode to 24 Hour Fitness

2007-11-21T19:01:00.000-08:00

O 24 Hour Fitness, my 24 Hour Fitness
Hallowed be your name.

When I had spent all last night retching
And spent the morning so weak with chills,
So exhausted,
So overcome with muscle aches
That I could barely lift up my own child

Where else could I turn for help?
Where else could I turn for 2 hours of child care
For only $3.00?
Where else could I go for a hot shower
(my first in 3 days)
without the constant worry of what my child was getting into?

Nowhere else.
Though I have walked through the valley of the shadow of vomit,
I have received sustenance, I have received succor
From 24 Hour Fitness.

(N.B. Rebecca also deserves huge credit in making my life better by risking contagion and babysitting the Beast while I taught school today.)

Good Times

2007-11-18T18:11:00.000-08:00

I've been watching Sybil with Brooke. Creepy but fascinating. Can't wait for the second half of it tonight.

I AM

2007-11-17T01:00:00.000-08:00

(Poem format poached from Jana)

I am Southern California.

I am Arabian red, baby breath, dog fur, and spicy samosas.

I am friend, thinker, wannabe vegetarian, idealist, pragmatist, teacher, learner, parent.

I am someone who contributes.

I am Mike, baby Beast, and my animals.

I am Caroline.

Conversation

2007-11-11T14:51:00.000-08:00

Mike: Last night we took the speaker out to dinner at a nice restaurant. I got the swordfish for $30.

Me: Hey, when it's on the good taxpayers of CA, why not? I don't think I have ever in my life had a main course that cost $30.

Mike: And if I'm paying, you never will.

Me: That's my baby.

My Hellish Sunday Afternoon

2007-11-11T14:08:00.000-08:00

It all began with my hellish last night. Baby woke up and cried from 11 pm to 1:30 in the morning, with Mike and me alternately getting up and trying to get him to go to sleep.

This afternoon, I get home from church. It's naptime. I try to put him down. He cries for half an hour as I lie in a tired stupor on the couch willing him to go to sleep. I finally give in and go get him. He plays around in my bedroom for 45 five minutes, in which he chews up a cheese stick and spits it out on the carpet, falls off the bed, and head butts me in the face so hard I think my front tooth is loosened.

I put him down again with a fresh bottle of milk. He cries for five minutes, in which time I take off my skirt with the idea that I'll put on some jeans. I'm too tired to put my pants on so I just lie on the bed half dressed, and shortly the baby stops crying.

Then..... awful Eliza starts her horrible incessant barking. Baby starts crying again. Cursing, I charge downstairs, pounce on Eliza, and lock her in the study, while at the same time I realize there are actually people on my front porch (ergo the barking.)

I run into the laundry room looking for pants. No luck. So I run back upstairs and put on my jeans that are lying on the floor. By this time the poor people on the front porch have been standing there for at least 4 minutes. I run downstairs again and open the door. It's Nancy and Kelsey (?) dropping stuff off (yay!) for the Native Americans who have lost everything in the fires. I go outside with them as they unload the car, all the while feeling something mysteriously gooey rubbing up against the inside of my leg inside my jeans.

Yes, it's the chewed up string cheese that E spat out an hour ago, I discover after I close the door, now coating my leg and the inside of my jeans. Disgusting. But thank heavens the baby is finally no longer wailing. So, in a bad mood, I head to my computer to blog about this afternoon, so that it will live in infamy for posterity to enjoy.

Don't We All Pick and Choose?

2007-11-06T23:23:00.000-08:00

(cross posted at Exponentblog)

In the last month or two, I’ve come across a couple of people who have referred to my approach to religion as “cafeteria style” or “belief buffet.” Whenever I hear these kinds of comments, I scratch my head in befuddlement.

I tend to think that we LDS all pick and choose which religious tenets we want to emphasize and which we want to downplay. Is there a human alive that truly is able to incorporate into their lives all the ideas and commandments present in the scriptures? All the (sometimes conflicting) statements and ideals that have been presented in General Conference over the last 150 years? Over the last 25 years?

Take, for instance, D&C 89. Active Mormons are generally great at abstaining from alcohol and tobacco. But there is that pesky part about abstaining from meat, unless it’s a time of cold or famine. While some Mormons are very thoughtful about their meat consumption, many Mormons I know do not pay attention to that particular God-given word of wisdom. This is simply one uniquely LDS scripture that most upstanding Mormons have chosen to ignore.

Or how about President Kimball’s General Conference talk in which he condemns hunting for sport? I love that part of the talk. But I understand that hunting is still a popular past time in Utah, even among upstanding LDS. These are good Mormons who have chosen to believe President Kimball’s admonition does not apply to them.

There is also the Sabbath. The Sabbath is a grayish area to me – an area in which devout Mormons, despite some pretty clear cut admonitions from the General Conference pulpit, pick and choose which activities and abstentions work best for themselves and their individual situations.

There are so many other uniquely Mormon beliefs and practices – caffeinated drinks, R rated movies, tight clothing, facial hair, white shirts, family size – that I see many devout Church members picking and choosing how – and if – to incorporate into their lives.

After years of self-doubt and angst about certain Church issues, I personally now find great inspiration and power in picking and choosing which religious tenets to emphasize in my own life. I feel like it is my right and my responsibility to embrace and revel in those principles and practices which uplift, empower, and inspire me to become a more Christian person. And likewise it is my right and responsibility to discard, ignore, or shelve those ideas that don’t.

While I know that some LDS are uncomfortable with this approach (although, as I stated above, I feel like we all do it to a greater or lesser extent) I feel liberated by it. By carefully discarding those few ideas that I have found hurtful and false, I am now at liberty to fully embrace those that I find wonderful and true. I am a far more enthusiastic Christian now than I was in my period of angst, when I thought that Mormonism was an all or nothing proposition.

I recognize, however, that beliefs and practice are always fluid, and that things I reject now I may later accept. I’m sure that I’ll make mistakes in this negotiation process, but ultimately, I have hope and faith in a forgiving God who will see the sincerity of my quest and understand the ideals that motivate me in my spiritual journey.

My Saturday

2007-11-03T21:22:00.000-07:00

6:45 AM baby E starts crying and I go get him.
9:00 Baby, Mom, and I go to the farmers' market.
10:00 Mom, baby, and I work on my back yard. I make a new home for my worms (some of which are still alive - yay!), Mom sweeps the patio and baby gets into everything.
1:00 baby goes down for a nap, and Mom and I search ebay for yarn and her favorite cordless curling iron.
3:30 my 4 year old nephew J get dropped off at my house so my bro can go to the USC game.
4:30 Eliza viciously attacks little Sophia. Mom wades into the fray and gets her finger bloodied by awful Eliza. Eliza spends the next half hour in the bathroom.
5:30 We attempt to feed the kids dinner. Neither eat much of the stuffed green peppers we spent an hour cooking.
7:00 Mom takes J back to his house.
8:30 After a second attempt, E finally goes down peacefully. I fruitlessly try to find something decent on TV, so I blog instead.

I'm All Alone

2007-11-03T20:54:00.000-07:00

Mike's been away at a conference since Thursday. I came down with laryngitis and a cold, so it's been a long few days. My awesome mom has been helping out, but I can't wait until Mike gets home tomorrow and takes the baby off my hands for a few hours!

Presiding: Its History Within My Marriage

2007-10-31T21:21:00.000-07:00

(Pollock, Male and Female)

Long ago, when Mike and I were dating, the question of presiding came up as we sat in a hot tub in Provo. Even as a 21 year old, the concept didn’t sit well with me. It just didn’t jive with my own ideals of equality and true partnership. Mike understood where I was coming from, but proposed that perhaps presiding didn’t involve decision making, but that it instead had to do with ultimate responsibility. After we’re dead, he mused, it might just mean that the man, as the priesthood holder, would bear a greater responsibility if the family went off track.

A reasonable proposition, perhaps. But it made me feel nauseous. It was the only moment in our whole courtship where I thought we might not make it. How could a just God expect more from Mike than from me? How could a just God blame Mike more than me if our family went off track? How could a just God look at me as less than fully responsible for my own shortcomings? These were the questions I countered with, but nothing was resolved and I went away from the conversation feeling sick.

In the first couple years of our marriage, the ultimate responsibility argument seemed to drop out of the presiding discussion. Instead, Mike proposed that we refine the idea of preside to mean that Mike presided over certain religious ordinances. Though I hated the word, this made sense to me on some level and I reluctantly agreed.

Now we are seven years into our marriage, and I have entirely eliminated the idea that Mike presides over me in any way. Though Mike wouldn’t put it like that (he would say that he just has no idea what ‘preside’ means and therefore we act as equal partners), we are in practice on the same exact page. We are co-presiders, and it works beautifully for us.

There is no ultimate decision maker in our marriage. Instead we compromise or take turns when big decisions arise. There is no religious presider. Instead we decide together how religion functions in our home, and we try to make it egalitarian. We take turns asking our home teachers to pray, and we both took part in our baby’s blessing.

I sometimes joke that our co-presiding system is justified in the Proclamation. Aside from the equal partner emphasis, there is that important caveat “individual circumstances may vary.” And my individual situation is that I am personally revolted by the idea of my husband presiding over me.

I feel great about the way our co-presiding marriage works. I know this isn’t everyone’s cup of tea – so be it - but I still do take heart when I see other young married couples that have a similar dynamic. They may not articulate that they co-preside, but in practice I see them emphasizing the equal partner model, rather than the man-as-head-of-the-household model.

(cross posted at Exponentblog)

Orsen Scott Card, Toddler Reverence, and Gender Stereotyping

2007-10-19T07:09:00.000-07:00

(cross posted at Exponentblog)
Our Sacrament Meetings have been pretty noisy lately. With 42 babies under two in the ward, that's to be expected. Our bishop has recently come into RS and EQ to talk about the noise level and how he wants people to start taking their children out more quickly. After he made this request, I actually thought things were getting better, but today the plot thickened.

This morning, our bishopric sent out a mass email to all its ward members entitled " Tips on How We Can Help Keep Our Meetings Reverent." The email linked to this Meridian article, written by Orsen Scott Card.
http://www.ldsmag.com/ideas/070926storyprint.html

There are probably some very good tips in there. Maybe some of you with older children can weigh in on that. But.... wow. That's some strict parenting. My little toddler is 14 months now, and those tips - nominally for toddlers - could not possibly work for him. No food or drink? No interaction (does that include eye contact?) with people on other benches? I don't think so. But perhaps with two or three year olds these could work....?

In the article, the consequence of violating any of the rules is confinement. And this is the most questionable part for me. Card recommends that the FATHER take the child out and confine the child on his lap because

"The fact is that children respond differently to fathers. I don't know a mother who hasn't had the frustrating experience of pleading, arguing, yelling, begging, threatening, even bribing to get a child to do something, only to have the father come in, speak once, and immediately get the obedience that the mother could not get no matter what she did.

The youngest infants respond differently to their father's voice. They turn to their mother for comfort. What they crave from their father is judgment. They fear their father's disapproval; they long for their father's praise. This means that an ounce of discipline from the father can be more effective than pounds of it from the mother, though this varies from child to child. "

Whoa there! What just happened here? Does anyone know if there's any recent research to support claims like this?

I'm uncomfortable by the way he's playing into gender stereotypes. The picture he's painting of the stern, no nonsense, dad and the frantic ineffective mom is pretty extreme. I also question the idea that infants invariably turn to their mothers for comfort and their dads for judgment. And of course, I have problems with the idea that just because I'm a woman my pounds of discipline are going to be negligible compared to Mike's masculine ounce.

But I do freely admit that I my issues with Card's family portrait are based more on principle than experience. I never had a dad growing up, and E's too little to discipline yet.... So I'd love to know how you all feel about his reverence tips and about his stereotypical description of men and women as parents. Does this description ring true to you? How do the discipline dynamics work in your family?

Handing my baby over and feeling great about it

2007-10-17T22:52:00.000-07:00

(Cross posted at Exponentblog)

I love my baby more than anything. He’s adorable and funny, and if something ever happened to him, I would be destroyed. But boy do I look forward to getting away from him every day.

Ever since I started teaching school part time in the fall, I’ve been struck by how happy I am to hand him over to Mike (twice a week) and babysitters (three times a week) so that I can go off for four hours to do my thing. What can I say? E’s a doll, but he’s also a whiney kid who is much happier when he has people other than me to look at.

So every weekday at noon, I gladly hand him over. I have no worries about his well being. I have the best babysitters in the world, including my mom, my sister in law, and a neighborhood friend. I know E. has a great time when he’s playing with these babysitters’ kids.

I love the fact that I get to step away from my baby for a few hours a day and interact with a different group of people. Not only do I get the stimulation of using a whole different part of my brain, but I also get to see (sometimes) how much it means to certain students when I tell them how smart they are and what great people they are. I really feel like I have the best of both the parenting world and the working world.

Letter to an old friend I haven't talked to for 2 years

2007-10-13T15:15:00.000-07:00

Hi _________! That is so exciting about getting published. Very, very cool. When it's out, let me know so I can buy a copy. What is the book about? And sorry to hear about your last pregnancy. That sounds absolutely Awful. I can't even imagine what it must be like to have to go through labor when there's no baby at the end of it all.

Life for me is good as well. Evan is 14 months now. Very very cute, but very very bad. Into everything, whiney, etc. It's a good thing he's so attractive and has such a cute smile, or I'd just chuck him out the window. Things have actually gotten better since I started teaching part time in the fall. He was driving me insane over the summer, so it's actually become a relief to get away from him for a few hours a day. I have also discovered the wonders of the local gym. Babysitting for $1.50 an hour while I get to work out in the morning. It's awesome. Though sadly I'm still chunky. (Lesson learned: never gain 60 lbs when you're pregnant.)

But overall, this year of motherhood has been a great experience. I've decided I like babies, even whiney ones, so I'm sort of planning on having three kids. This is a big leap for me. I never envisioned having more than two. And sometimes when my maternal juices are really flowing, I envision taking in foster kids, or adopting more kids, or maybe even having 4 of my own. Yikes! I'm trying to get pregnant again. My philosphy is to get this baby bearing over with ASAP.

I love the fact that you have this great creative outlet in your writing. I don't work on anything as serious as books, but I too have found a lot of satisfaction in writing. I'm a founder of the Exponent II blog, which is a site for progressive Mormon women. It's been fun to put up personal essays every couple of weeks and get feedback from everyone on my ideas. And to make all sorts of cool Mormon women friends in the cyber world. Sometimes, I even get personal emails from some of these women that read my stuff, thanking me for helping them stay in the Church by giving them a new way to look at a topic, which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

But anyway, I'm still trying to figure out how everything will shake out for me professionally and personally. It looks like we'll probably be staying in Irvine for the rest of our lives. But I'm not convinced that high school teaching is really what I'm meant to do. I'm actually flirting with the idea of going back to grad school again. There's a great program in Women and Religion in Claremont which I'm thinking of applying to at some point. But it's a question of timing. Now, while I'm still in the child bearing phase, or later when they are older? Still unsure how it will all work out and even if that's the career path I'm supposed to be following in this life. Luckily Mike is supportive of me doing whatever I need to do to be happy and fulfilled.

Good luck with alll your writing, and to _____ with finishing up his school. Exciting that you guys are almost done with school. Any ideas where you might end up? Keep in touch!

Love,Caroline

Eleanor Roosevelt

2007-10-11T06:55:00.000-07:00

"When will our consciences grow so tender that we will act to prevent human misery rather than avenge it?" Eleanor Roosevelt

From the Writers' Almanac:

It's the birthday of (Anna) Eleanor Roosevelt, born in New York City (1884), who grew up feeling plain and boring compared to her beautiful, fashionable mother. She said, "I seemed like a little old woman entirely lacking in the spontaneous joy and mirth of youth."But one day on a train to visit her grandmother, she happened to bump into her distant cousin, Franklin Delano Roosevelt. They started a secret courtship and got married in 1905.

The Roosevelts' marriage nearly ended in 1918, when Eleanor found out FDR had been having an affair with a secretary. They agreed not to divorce, but after that Eleanor grew increasingly independent. She developed her own ideas about politics, joined the Women's Trade Union League and the League of Women Voters. When FDR was elected president in 1932, she helped institute regular White House press conferences for female correspondents only, which forced many news organizations to hire women for the first time.

She toured the country during the Great Depression togive her husband a firsthand account of how people were doing, and she was a supporter of civil rights before her husband was. In 1936, she started asyndicated newspaper column called "My Day," and after her husband died in 1945, she became a delegate to theUnited Nations and helped draft the Universal Declaration of Human Rights in 1948.

I'm some old woman's angel

2007-10-10T20:23:00.000-07:00

Today I was getting my car washed. For the first time in 3 years. Quite a disgusting task for those poor guys that had to vacuum my rugs.

While I was waiting, an old lady came into the waiting room crying. Apparently she had just had her car washed and when she got into it to drive away, it wouldn't start. She was convinced that the car washers had done something to mess up her car. She talked to the manager and was very upset when he said there was nothing he could do to help her.

I felt bad. This was a really really old lady. So I went up and offered to give her a ride home. She was grateful, and we had a very nice chat as we rode back. She loved my bumper stickers and talked about all of her interfaith activities. Weirdly, she is actually a former Mormon. As I dropped her off, she told me I was her angel.

Wow. I feel all warm and fuzzy because I got to be someone's angel today. That hardly ever happens.

Conversation

2007-10-08T22:25:00.000-07:00

Mike: How was Brooke's last night? You didn't get in until really late.
Me: It was fun. It was really cool to be around people that watch TV together, laugh together, enjoy each other's company...
Mike: Are you trying to tell me something?
Me: Yes.

The upshot: After some discussion of my perception of the crappiness of our marriage because we don't watch TV together, hang out together, or - let's face it - have much in common, Mike has agreed to watch The Office with me every week. He has also decided that we should try to have some kind of date night every week or two. Yay!

I Had a Mike Moment Today

2007-09-29T21:16:00.000-07:00

This morning as I was wasting time with...er, lovingly caring for Evan, I was driving pointlessly through Del Taco to get a diet coke. And listening to NPR, of course.

They were talking about how study after study has shown that kids who attend preschool do better in school, are more likely to go to college, even more likely to stay married. Such studies have prompted certain groups and politicians to float the idea of universal preschool in certain states.

Now I'm all for programs and policies that get kids into preschool. But the Mike side of my brain, the side that Mike has successfully infiltrated, started asking these questions. Is this a spurious correlation? Maybe it's not preschool that helps kids be more successful, it's the fact that the type of kids who get put in preschool (i.e. wealthier) are the kind that have more support at home and who would do better in school anyway.

Whoa! It's frightening when that happens.

Life Is Not Fair

2007-09-29T00:01:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday, I went to a RS board meeting. Our bish was there at the beginning to give us a 15 minute address. One of his talk's themes was the idea that life wasn't fair. That he had gone to BYU education weekand had been very impressed by Robert Millett (sp?) who had talked about how life just wasn't fair. And that we can't expect it to be. That we just have to accept it and not spend too much time complaining about it. (There might have been more to that theme, but that's the gist of what I took away.)

I thought about this for a while. And you know what? I agree that life isn't fair. It's not fair that I have so much financial security and others don't. It's not fair that I have a super nice husband and baby and others don't. It's not fair that I have options and choices in my life - whether to work, whether to stay at home, what my profession is - and others don't. It's also not fair that I and my righteous sisters don't have the same or even similar opportunities to contribute to our church community.

But I'm not comfortable with just accepting all that. Life isn't fair. But I don't think that means I should just sit on my tail and accept it. I think I should work for a better world. A world where the poor have more opportunities for security, where all people have opportunities to for education and professional advancement, where women can contribute equally with men.

As one of the most privileged humans on earth, I think I have the responsibility to help to try to eradicate injustice when I see it. To bring attention to it. To raise the awareness of others to it. I think that's what Christ would have me do.

Nonviolent Communication: When to use it?

2007-09-25T23:01:00.000-07:00

At the exponent retreat, one session focused on nonviolent communication. Not only did I enjoy every second of Victoria’s dynamic stage presence, but I also was very attracted to these new ideas of how to interact nonviolently with others, particularly those in positions of power.

The basic rules (what I gleaned at least) for nonviolent communication are these:
-Don’t use judgmental language (e.g. stay away from words like ‘offensive’ ‘unkind’ ‘ridiculous’ etc.)
-Figure out what needs are not being met. Both your own needs, and the needs of the person you are talking to. (e.g. “It’s very important for me to be involved in my baby’s blessing. This is my need. But I understand that you as bishop need to feel like there’s order in the ward. Is there a way that we can meet both of our needs?)
-Validate the other person’s need, and truly try to connect and sympathize with the other person.
-Make a request, not a demand.
-If the person does not meet your need, don’t punish them with anger or passive aggressive action. Don’t punish in any way.

Victoria also mentioned that despair work was an important part of this equation. Interacting non-violently with those who disagree with us is one thing, but we also need a community of sympathetic like-minded people with whom to vent our pain and share our stories openly and unreservedly.

I loved this presentation. As I reflected on my own interactions with people (most notably my husband) I realized how violent my language could be. How I often used judgmental language and punished when disagreed with. Hearing this presentation made me resolve to be less violent in my speech.

But…. I was left with a burning question after the presentation. When do you use nonviolent communication, and when do you lay it on the table and tell it like it is? Because it just doesn’t seem feasible to never use the strong, evaluative (ok, judgmental) language when in disagreement. It seems to me like there could be a place – a good, true, righteous place - for truly speaking your mind, no holds barred. Quakers sometimes refer to this type of speech – particularly when it’s directed at political leaders - as “Speaking truth to power.” I love that phrase.

As a feminist Mormon woman, trying to carve out a personal space in the church where I can act authentically, I know that there will be many times in my life when I will interact with Church leaders. When I will have needs that lie outside the General Handbook. Should I always use this nonviolent communication? When should I not and instead “speak truth to power”? And should I be worried that nonviolent communication may ultimately be promoting passivity in some way?

Awesome video of San Diego mayor changing his stance on gay marriage

2007-09-22T11:26:00.000-07:00

Check this out. One of the most heart wrenching and sincere public appearances by a politician I have ever seen.

Throughout these five minutes, he struggles so hard to keep it together. Thanks for having the courage to follow your conscience, Jerry Sanders.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnTwrnKb61Q

Retreating

2007-09-20T20:20:00.000-07:00

I loved the Exponent II retreat. So many stories, so many ideas, so many experiences. Vulnerability, honesty. It was great.

One thing I came away with was the fact that there are really awesome men in the world. A few women at the retreat married for a second time in their 40's or 50's. These are smart, issue driven women who don't exactly embody the Mormon female ideal. But these great LDS men saw their worth. How cool. Gives me hope for all the Mormon women who currently have crappy marriages. There is hope for a great second chance.

Life of a Part time working mom

2007-09-20T19:55:00.000-07:00

School started three weeks ago, so I'm back in the working world. And I must say I'm rather enjoying it.

In the mornings I hang out with baby E. We go to the gym, where he no longer throws embarrassing tantrums. Or I'll run errands with him. I've basically accepted the fact that he's just not going to take a morning nap.

Then I either get him to a babysitter or leave him with mom or Mike at about 11:30. I come home at 4:15ish and pretty quickly start cooking dinner. Evan has recently learned to feed himself with a fork a spoon, so he's enjoying his meals more than ever before. It's fun watching him chowing his food these days.

That means that my evenings are often spent lesson planning, but it's not too bad. I think I may, after 4 years of teaching, have finally begun to find my groove. I'm not as stressed as I used to be.

How Do We Solve a Problem Like Eliza?

2007-09-07T22:05:00.000-07:00

Last week I put Eliza on prozac. I had taken her to the vet for her yearly checkup. Like a lot of people she commented on what a pretty dog Eliza is. I made some comment about how I wished her behavior matched her looks, and we got into a conversation about all of Eliza's socially retarded behaviors. She was particulary concerned about the fact that Eliza has bitten me and the baby. And then Eliza, in fine form, snapped at the vet as we were talking.

The upshot is that Eliza is now medicated. There are other options, of course. There's the animal behavioral specialist who lives up in L.A whom I could contact. There's the special cage at the Humane Society dog training classes just made for animals like Eliza, who badly need some training but who are too crazy to learn around other animals.

Maybe those will be next, since the prozac doesn't seem to have any effect on her.

Food For Thought

2007-08-29T19:05:00.001-07:00

C. S. Lewis:

Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

What is it about the temple rec interview?

2007-08-29T18:54:00.000-07:00

It’s been six years since I last had that interview. Ever since my difficult experience with the temple, I haven’t been able to bring myself to get a temple rec, even though I, in good peace of mind, could probably answer all the questions well enough to get one.

There would be some tricky questions, of course. Particularly that one about living up to my temple covenants. How does a woman who absolutely rejects the idea of hearkening unto a husband get past that one? I think I would honestly respond that I’m not perfect but that I’m trying to be a good person. And that I don’t understand or support the idea of a woman hearkening unto her husband. I’m relatively sure that most bishops/counselors would just nod sympathetically and move on to the next question. Another question that might give me pause is the sustaining my leaders question. But I know that I can answer yes to that one. After all, someone’s got to do the job, and sustaining them doesn’t mean I always have to agree with them.

So given that I doubt I would be rejected, I often ask myself why I just can’t make myself go into that office. I’ve come up with a few reasons why:

1. There’s something terribly intimate about discussing your deepest personal beliefs (and underwear wearing habits) with a man who you barely know. That makes me uncomfortable.
2. Confiding in someone, truly opening oneself up to someone else, gives the listener power. I haven’t exactly figured out what I mean by that, but I sense that this is true. And I don’t know if I like the idea of giving a stranger man that kind of intimate power over me. My confidence, my concerns, my fears, my faith are gifts I want to discriminately bestow.
3. The male over female power structure. The fact this it’s always a man who decides whether or not I’m worthy to enter the Lord’s house. This really bothers me. While I’d still have concerns about discussing my intimate issues with a stranger woman, I sure would love to have that option. (Temple rec interviews with RS President? Would anyone like that as an option?)
4. The isolated and possibly intimidating environment of the interview. There’s something starkly authoritarian about someone sitting behind that big brown desk in a power suit. Possible solution: make it known that people can bring a trusted friend into the interview with them. I think this would help some women who have been abused by men to feel more comfortable.
5.The focus on practice AND beliefs. I haven’t thought this one out too clearly, but I think I might be more comfortable with a focus on practice. After all, beliefs are so fluid. And if a person is acting like a good person, trying to practice Christianity, treating others well…. That just seems like it might be a better way to judge someone than on whether or not they know for sure that all the church leaders have been called by God. (But I'm sure there are tons of people out there who can come up with great reasons why an emphasis on beliefs and practice are important.)

I realize that there are also reasons to like the interview. I have a friend who sees it as a valuable way to mentally assess herself and see where she is with her faith. I’m sure others like the chance to talk one on one with their local leaders. But for me, at this point in my life, there's just something a little bit creepy about that interview.

The Beast Walks!

2007-08-27T20:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Beast figured out how to walk. Very exciting. We're hoping that his new skill will make him happier and less prone to emotional breakdowns.

By the way, I am now officially 30 years old. I'm looking forward to my 30's. More self acceptance, less concern about what others think, more peace, less anger. At least that's what I'm hoping for.

Update: My Child is an Embarrassment

2007-08-20T18:50:00.000-07:00

After a few days' vacation in Santa Cruz, I am back to the grind and am actively trying to find ways to cope with E, otherwise known as The Beast.

Steps toward sanity:
1) Spend much time in Target, pushing E around and buying tons of junk.
2.) Join 24 hour fitness so that I can take advantage of their $1.50/hour babysitting rate.
3.) Never stay home for more than an hour at a time.
4.) find an outdoorsy place for E - tricky since The Beast eats grass, dirt, and sand.
5.) Push myself onto other young moms so that The Beast might get distracted by other kids and leave me alone.

I've already accomplished steps 1 and 2, but there has been a hiccup. E is totally embarrassing at 24 hour fitness! He spent the whole hour crying and needing to be carried around by the poor child care ladies. He was the only one out of the 10 or so kids having a sustained emotional breakdown. What did I do wrong? Why on earth did he turn out so needy?

My Kid is Driving Me Insane

2007-08-13T19:24:00.000-07:00

What the hell is wrong with my kid? He just turned 1 a few days ago. And he spends most of his waking hours whining. Whining to be picked up. Whining to be put down. Then sobbing when he doesn't get his way. Then screaming with baby rage when I yank away the remotes, phones, and laptops from his reach.

I dread spending time with him in my house. The only way I've figured out to save my sanity is to throw him in the car and then push him around some type of mall. Now I understand why moms are always shopping. They have NO choice. It's either that or insanity.

Yesterday morning was one of the worst. He spent a whole hour crawling around and sobbing/screaming, and nothing I could do would shut him up. I told him a number of times that I was ready to throw him out the window. I went into the office at the height of my frustration and actually emitted an animal yell of rage. I even believe I yelled at him a bit.

So those are the bad times. And they are many. But there are a few moments when he's a nice baby. And he's started to kiss me on the lips which is really cute. Though it might seem creepy to others.

Here's to more cute, nice baby times and far fewer beastly awful baby times.

Conversation with my mom

2007-08-05T12:39:00.000-07:00

Background info: My mom is a great woman. She was widowed with two young kids. She's been a homemaker for 30 years and has served in several RS and primary presidencies.

Me: Mom, I have a friend who has been going out with this guy for 4 years. They are perfect for each other. He's absolutely wonderful, he really loves her, but he just won't propose since he's concerned about finances.

Mom: (half serious) She should get pregnant. That would get him to the alter.

Me: Mom! That would not go over well with her family.

Mom: She could just tell him she was pregnant.... and then later say that she was mistaken.... that should do the trick.

Me: (laughing) Aside from the ethical problems of tricking a man into marriage, I like the way you think outside the box.

My Stay At Home Mom Day From Hell

2007-08-01T20:46:00.001-07:00

Mike leaves in the morning.

Dog promptly poops in the kitchen. E crawls through poop and gets it all over the downstairs area. I dump E in sink to wash poop off. He struggles and fights and won't sit still. I then try to clean up all the poop smears from the floor, but not before E crawls through them again.

E himself poops 3 times today. 3!!!! What's up with that!

E puts his hand in the toilet at least 2 separate times. (Luckily it's been flushed.) But he still then puts that same hand immediately into his mouth which creeps me out.

After 2 or 3 tries, I give up on the idea that E will take a nap.

Mike finally comes home at about 5:00. Salvation!

Hashing Out Thoughts on Pornography

2007-07-31T11:09:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday, our RS lesson was on "Let Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts." i.e. pornography. This seems to be a rather frequent lesson topic, as in the last couple of years, we've had a fifth Sunday, an Enrichment, and more than one RS lesson on this topic.

I appreciated the RS women's comments and stories. Clearly it's been a real destructive force in some women's lives. (And I was thrilled to hear some of they heavy weights in RS say that this is a problem that requires professional help - praying and talking to the bish are rarely enough.) But while part of me totally understands how horrible it's been for several people's marriages, part of me wants to have a more balanced discussion about it.

For example, I think it's totally horrible when a man gets hooked on porn and then starts to ignore and treat his wife badly. So for me, the real bad things are a) getting addicted and b) treating your spouse badly.

But I can't help but recognize that at some point in the next 15 years, I'm sure my little baby E will look at some dirty pictures. How could he avoid doing so in this day and age? And I don't want him to feel like he's going to hell, or that he's committed an unpardonable sin. My wish would simply be that he not get hooked.

I also would be interested in a discussion that distinguishes between porn and erotica. In my mind, porn is primarily about exploitation and degregdation. It's about having sex with underage girls or boys, rape scenes, chains, etc. But erotica I think of taking place between two consenting adults and having more artistic merit.

I personally think it's best to stay away from porn in any situation. However, I do wonder if there's a place for erotica in a marriage. If both partners are interested at looking at it and both are totally agreeable - that doesn't seem to be as bad as the type of porn that gets talked about at church.

I'd also be interested in discussing what seems to often be the women's equivalent to men's pornographic pictures - romance novels. An interesting equivalent because it just doesn't seem as destructive to me as pornographic pictures often are to men. I personally enjoy a good steamy romance novel now and then, and Mike doesn't really have any issues with it. Doesn't feel betrayed, ignored, badly treated, etc. So, I wonder, do the GA's agree with me, and is that why porn talks focus so sharply on men's porn problems?

Conversation

2007-07-29T21:33:00.000-07:00

(Warning: don't read this if you have delicate sensibilities)

Mike and I are watching an Inspector Lynley mystery. It's the climactic scene. The murderer has suddenly broken down into tears and has admitted his guilt. The camera is doing a closeup of his face as he breaks down.

Mike: Was that snot that just flew out of that guy's nose, or was that a tear?

Me: I think it was snot!

Mike: (with reverent respect) Wow. That's good acting.

Quotes from the Day in the Life of Raising a 1 year old

2007-07-23T18:30:00.000-07:00

"Let me wipe the cheesey finger goo off your bottle so that I don't get cheesey finger goo on my hands."

"You're being a real stinkery-doo today!"

"Thanks for pulling my arm hair out with your goobery hand!"

N.B. Mike is the genius behind these gems.

Ah, The HH Ward...

2007-07-23T17:23:00.001-07:00

Special features of the HH:
1. 42 babies 2 and under. Makes sacrament meeting a circus, bringing on a lengthy and annoyed request by the bish to shut the kids up quicker. Apparently investigators are having a hard time feeling the spirit. Personally, I've discovered that the foyer is a much more fun place to be during SM.

2. Interesting (for lack of a better word) high council Sundays. Let me just say that I have never heard "What the freak?!" so many times in a talk.

3. References in EQ to volunteering for the Mitt Romney campaign. Which were swiftly countered by a certain person's vigorous mentioning of mormonsagainstromney.blogspot.com

4. a Fathers' Day talk that was overtly political, and that made numerous mention of how horrible it was for children to be raised without fathers. Made me feel bad for all the kids of divorced parents, and the divorced parents themselves, who had to sit there and listen to it.

Me and Mormonism

2007-07-19T10:07:00.000-07:00

John wrote a post recently about four things he missed about being an active, believing Mormon. I'm still active, but I also miss some of the things he mentioned.

Community: I used to automatically feel a bond to any person I found out was LDS. I used to feel like I had really important things in common with other LDS people. But now that my own beliefs have evolved, I don't feel that same sense of community, of fellowship, of shared goals and ideals. Sometimes I feel pretty lonely at church.

Certainty: Well, that's gone too. But I'm trying to embrace grayness, to embrace possibility rather than certainty.

Morality: I have a very strong sense of morality on some issues (e.g. gender equity), but a grayness on others. Even though I'm still in the Church, it's been exciting to take responsibility for my own morality. I decide whether what I hear over the pulpit is inspired or whether it's hogwash.

Service: Still have that to some extent. Both in and out of the church. I love my humanitarian calling!

Conversation

2007-07-18T08:15:00.000-07:00

Mike in the kitchen reading the newspaper

Mike: So it does look like Michael Vick was indicted on charges of dog fighting.

Me: Yes he was, the bastard.

Mike: They must have some real evidence to charge him.

Me: I hope he burns in hell, that he's raped in jail, that someone tortures him repeatedly and and that he's desperately unhappy and that he lives out his life in misery and loneliness.

Mike: Well, we'll have to see how this turns out.

Conversation

2007-07-18T08:12:00.000-07:00

(Mike and I in the kitchen. Mike opens up the freezer....)

Mike: Our freezer has so much crap in it. Can we get rid of some of this?

Me: It's our food storage. (holding up my hand.) Talk to the prophet.

Conversation

2007-07-17T10:58:00.000-07:00

(Driving in the car)
Me: I'm so happy that our house has been painted! It looks great.

Mike: Whatever my baby wants, my baby gets.

Me: Good, because I want a lot.

Mike: Hey, you're supposed to say that as long as you have me, you don't need anything else.

Me: Wow, that didn't even occur to me.

Quote

2007-07-17T10:52:00.000-07:00

"I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The function of [wo]man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them. I shall use my time."--Jack London

2007-07-10T10:10:00.000-07:00

Conversation

(Mike and I cuddling)

Me: Mike, if you ever try to divorce me, I'm taking you to court.

Mike: (laughs)

Me: Ah, romance....

Mike: Will you stalk me and my new wife and then kill us?

Me: I'd stalk you, but I wouldn't kill you. That would be going too far.

2007-07-07T10:31:00.000-07:00

For some reason, blogger is not letting me put a title up there. So here it is down here.

Single Moms' Ministry

A woman on an email list I'm on mentioned a local church in her area that has a "Single Moms' Ministry." I was struck by what she described, and I wonder, could something like this be done in our church?

It's a program for single mothers of all ages. Once a month there's a nice dinner, catered by the congregation. Moms eat in one area, kids in another, and then the kids separate by age and go off for games and activities. Women are initially encouraged to bring a friend, whether or not they are the same religion, so at least they know someone. Older single mothers (women in 60's and 70's) are highly welcomed, as a source of wisdom and encouragement.

In addition to the monthly meals, there's a Christmas party with gifts for themselves and the kids. There's also a Car Care Ministry aspect to this, in which members of the congregation with some knowledge in this realm help maintain the moms' transportation (change their oil, etc.).

I think this would be great on a stake wide basis for our church. And I see this being run entirely by the Relief Society presidencies, with men (and women) serving in supporting roles as cooks, waiters, child care providers, and mechanics.

I'm Worming!

2007-07-02T21:29:00.000-07:00

Worm bin-ing, that is. Just rode over to Jana's on my electric bike and got some worms for their new home in my worm factory. Very exciting. Now all my kitchen scraps will go in my worm factory rather than into our land fills. And on top of that I'll have some fantastic fertilizer to use on my vegetable/herb garden.

Speaking of my food garden, this is what I've got going at the moment:

2 tomato plants

1 oregano

1 italian parsly

1 curley leaf parsley

1 chive

1 cilantro

2 green pepper

1 yellow pepper

1 yellow squash

1 zuchinni

6 lettuce

1 rasberry vine

1 grape vine

1 blueberry bush

1 lemon bush

I'm Back on the Sauce

2007-06-30T13:02:00.000-07:00

Yes, indeed. I was able to break my addiction a couple of months ago, after I reached a low point of being unable to even go to dinner for a couple hours without having it on me.

But now I'm back. I broke down last night and used it. And spent a few blissful hours sleeping peacefully (no doubt aided by my large dose of nyquil).

Let's hope my addiction is short lived. Or Mike may find it and hide it again like last time.

I Electrified My Bike!

2007-06-24T15:42:00.000-07:00

For the past few months, I've felt guilt and disgust about the dismal gas milage my VW Passat gets. (16 mpg in the city - geez, I might as well be driving a truck!) I've twisted myself into knots trying to decide if I should get rid of my 2003 gas guzzler and buy a Prius instead. But I worried that that choice would just lead to more waste, more car production, more cars on the road. So a few weeks ago, Jana mentioned the possibility of installing an electric motor on my bike. Brilliant!

After a couple of painful hours helping Mike install a new wheel, rack, and throttle, my beach cruiser is now electrified. (Mike's the best!) It's fantastic. I can pedal when I want or just sit back and let the motor take me to a nice 25 miles per hour. It even has enough juice to get me up the vicious East Peltason hill. Now I'm just waiting for the bike trailer I ordered, so I can take baby along with me.

Conversation

2007-06-20T19:15:00.001-07:00

Me: "Mike, will God send me to hell if I don't believe in polygamy?"

Pause.

Me: "You're right, God will send me to hell for other reasons."

Mike: "Yeah, for being messy."

Patriarchy vs. hierarchy... and some deep questions

2007-06-16T21:04:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about patriarchy and hierarchy recently. I've come to the conclusion that I have a major problem with patriarchy and a minor problem with hierarchy.

I think at heart I'm a pragmatist and I realize that for organizations to function efficiently, you need leaders. Though my ideal heaven is a place where equals can grow and progress together, with no tiers, no hierarchies, no handmaidens.

My real problem is when that leadership excludes women. That's patriarchy and that's crap. Forgive my french. (I originally had the bullsh__ word written out, but I chickened out and deleted it. Mike doesn't like it when I cuss. )

How am I going to raise my kids in this church? There are so many good things about it, so many good kind people, so many great values. There may even be some very special and unique truths. But equality between the sexes is paramount to me. Can I authentically raise my children as Mormons and still communicate how much I despise the patriarchal system it is founded on? How do I raise them with that kind of nuance? How do I prevent Mike from blaming me when one of our kids leaves the Church?

This brought tears to my eyes

2007-06-15T20:08:00.000-07:00

Now I'm not the type that's into American Idol type shows, but I was moved when I saw this youtube clip of Paul Potts. He's an average joe - a chunky cell phone salesman. But this unconfident, unlikely looking fellow has an amazing operatic voice. Click here to check out the video of him singing Nessun Dorma

The best part about the clip is watching Simon's face, which starts out entirely skeptical and moves to real surprise. That and the fact that whenever anyone praises Paul, he looks like he's about ready to burst into tears. What a lovely guy.

My New Life Plan

2007-06-14T20:18:00.000-07:00

Summer 2007: take a women's studies class at a CC in order to get a fabulous rec letter

Fall 07 - Spring 08: teach Latin part time at the h.s.

Summer 2008: have a baby, start working on papers

Fall 2008: take two or three classes at a Cal State in Women's Studies or Religion in order to accrue more fabulous rec letters.

Winter 2008: apply to CGU's Women and Religion program. (And pray that Karen Torjesen is still there!)

Fall 2009: Begin my M.A. at CGU in Women and Religion

2011: Start my Ph.D program if I'm still into this topic.

Deep feminist thoughts

2007-06-11T19:58:00.001-07:00

For every woman who is tired of acting weak when she knows she is strong, there is a man who is tired of appearing strong when he feels vulnerable.

For every woman who is tired of acting dumb, there is a man who is burdened with the constant expectation of "knowing everything."

For every woman who is tired of being called "an emotional female," there is a man who is denied the right to weep and to be gentle.

For every woman who is called unfeminine when she competes, there is a man for whom competition is the only way to prove his masculinity.

For every woman who feels "tied down" by her children, there is a man who is denied the full pleasures of shared parenthood.

For every woman who takes a step toward her own liberation, there is a man who finds the way to freedom has been made a little easier.

-adapted from Nancy R. Smith

AND

If we could free ourselves from slavery we should free men from tyranny.

- Virginia Woolf

On the road to my next degree

2007-06-11T15:28:00.000-07:00

This summer I will begin my journey towards a new degree in women's studies. I'll be taking a class called Introduction to Gender Studies at a local community college. I don't know if this is worthwhile - I've never had any classes in women's studies, but throughout my undergrad and grad career, I've focused on feminist readings of all my English and Classics texts.

My ultimate plan is to get into Claremont Graduate University's Women and Religion program, but that's a few years off, no doubt. I hope that finally I've found the field that will be my last!

A Play is Forming in My Mind....

2007-06-08T19:28:00.000-07:00

*Based on a true story, but don't ask me whose.

A happy Mormon family. Until a teenage daughter starts acting strangely. Parents constantly find her curled into a ball sobbing. Months of begging to know what's wrong. Eventually she cracks and her story comes out.

Her male seminary teacher took her out to lunch months before. He tells her that when he looks at her, he feels like he did when he first looked at his wife (who is currently still his wife) . He implies that someday they'll be married. He swears her to secrecy with a temple handshake. She believes she'll go to hell if she confides, so for months this burden weighs on her. She begins to feel trapped and scared. She wants to have boyfriends, wants to choose who she will marry. She is tormented for months with the belief she will have to be a second wife to this man.

Parents find out. Parents are furious. They tell the bishop. ST denies this until parents produce a love letter he wrote to the daughter. ST gets slap on the wrist discipline from the bishop. Parents are disillusioned with Church over this. Father begins to retreat from Church, but mom holds on faithfully.

10 years later: Parents are still disgusted with this man, who has been in their same ward this whole time. The daughter has left the Church. One day in Church a new bishop is called. It is the ST. The mother at this point is the RS president. She listens to this, rocks in her pew, covers her face with her hair, and rocks, rocks, rocks. She has to make a split second decision on whether or not to object to the sustaining of this man. She cannot sustain him, but she can't openly object either. She visit teaches his wife. His mother is in the ward. She can't publicly humiliate him in front of these women she loves and over whom she has stewardship.

Parents immediately make an appointment to see stake president. He is highly disturbed about this. Had no idea that this was in this man's past. He tells the parents to write out an account of exactly what happened, with as many details as they can remember. He talks with his area authorities about what to do. He tells them there's a good chance that they'll release him from being a bishop within the next couple of weeks. He acts as mediator between the man and the parents, gets the man to apologize. Parents think there's a good chance he won't remain bishop long.

A few weeks go by. The concerned stake president is released! A new stake president takes office. Parents talk to him about this problem, but he isn't very concerned. In fact, he is disturbed that the parents have written out an account of the incident. He warns them to not say anything to anyone about this. That it will go badly for them if they do.

Parents feel helpless. Father retreats more from Church, Mother continues to act as RS President, but cannot address him as "bishop." She can't stand working with him, can't stand looking at him. Tries to only have contact with him over email.

That's as far as I have. I don't know how the play will end, but I think it needs to end with some empowering act of the mother. Some way for her to gain the upper hand and feel in control of her life somehow. Still thinking about it...