Madwoman Out of the Attic

a feminist trudging forward in a patriarchal world

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Things Fall Apart

Well, they've been falling apart for a few years now. I'm a Mormon and I intend to stay one for the rest of my life, but my belief in certain religious and or Mormon ideas has crumbled. I'm beginning to give myself permission to choose what to believe and what to act on. And also to accept that the way I find God may very well be different than the way that most other LDS do. And I'm starting to realize that this could be an exciting process.

For example, it's been a while since I've prayed regularly. Those of you that know me well may know why I struggle with it. But I'm getting to the point where I feel brave enough to go back to that practice and do it my own way. This is exciting because I see the possibility of prayer becoming a spiritual practice that is authentically meaningful to me. It can be mine in a way it never has been before.

Likewise, I've gotten into the habit of doing what I want to do on Sunday. Since Mike is at these interminable meetings, I have most of my Sunday free. And spending them cooped up with baby in the house is a nightmare. So instead I go to university center and grab myself a couple of slices of my favorite pizza. I do this because it helps me get through my Sunday right now, but I leave open the possibility that in the future I may keep the sabbath in the more traditional way. And if I do decide to do that, it will be because I've decided it's a good thing, because I've found something meaningful in the practice - not just because that's what I'm told to do.

I feel like this about a lot of things religious right now. Many have broken down and fallen apart, but I'm optimistic that when and if I do decide to embrace them, it will be on my own terms and because I have come to the realization on my own that I want this, that I believe this, and that this works for me.


Blogger Brooke said...

Wonderful Caroline. You are inspiring to me in so many ways. And I am excited for you too.

2/12/2007 11:11 AM  
Blogger Bored in Vernal said...

I think it is fascinating how meaningful things like communing with the Divine, Sabbath-keeping, etc. can become when we learn how to do them our own unique way!

2/12/2007 11:54 AM  
Blogger Melessa said...

Yes, yes, yes, and yes! While in some ways it was hard growing up outside of the church, I think it helped me to find God and find reasons for praying and keeping the Sabbath that I can't seem to explain to my children. This was very encouraging to read.

2/12/2007 1:59 PM  
Anonymous justme said...

It sounds to me like you just feel like joining JohnR and do what you think is most comfortable for you, and not what religion teaches. Way to cave.

2/13/2007 4:28 PM  
Blogger journeygal said...

ouch, justme, that's a bit biting, don't you think? Not your opinion, just your way of expressing it...

Caroline, congrats from me too. I see you as a great example of someone who works hard to maintain her individuality within a community. That takes a lot of effort and a lot of courage.

2/13/2007 5:05 PM  
Blogger Caroline said...

brooke, BOV, melessa, journeygal,
Thanks for your words of support. You guys are great.

just me,
it amazes me how rude people can be in the blogosphere. I may not follow all the apostles' strictures as religiously as you, but I would never dream of going into someone's personal blog and leaving such a cutting remark about someone's personal faith journey. So which of us is more Christian in the end?

2/13/2007 7:01 PM  
Anonymous Justme said...

I would hope that you would be more Christian in the end, since I am not a Christian. I spoke of what religion teaches, not any specific religion.


2/14/2007 8:08 AM  
Blogger Caroline said...

just me, glad to hear you're not a christian, or LDS for that matter. It was making me feel sad to think that someone like you might be a member of these faith traditions.

2/14/2007 9:24 AM  

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